Make a Dog Lure with Public Toilet Pubes and Spoiled Custard

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Need more dogs? Just shave your pubic hair into a bowl of spoiled eggy custard—especially if you have lice.

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY
Image

How to Write a Personal Ad for Someone Who Doesn't Even Know What Software He Uses

Globot Teralyn Blazer

Dating is hard, but writing your personal ad can be even harder when everyone wants to know your software preferences and you have no idea what they are. Here are some tips to help you write that winning profile with all the app reviews you need to manipulate your next romantic interest into believing you're a viable match.

online dating
software
romance
Image

"Anger Is Like Masturbating with a Cheese Grater"

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

"Anger is like masturbating with a cheese grater. It's a lot of work, it's hard to do, and you're proud of yourself when you're finished, but no one else wants to watch." ~ Jeff Goins

anger
cheese grater
physically
Image

Fear of Elbows? We Have Four Tips to Help You Out

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Fear of Elbows syndrome (a.k.a. ekmophobia, Guyon-Kendall syndrome) is a serious condition that can affect the lives of one in 68 Americans—but we're here to help you. Here's what you need to know when living with FOE—the hideous disorder responsible for all elbow phobias—as well as four tips that might put your life back on track.

fear
elbow
ptsd

Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET
Image

7 Ways to Upgrade Your Dog's Vestibular System

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Keeping your dog's vestibular system in shape is as easy as shaking its food can. Here are our top tips on vestibular pooch perfection.

vestibular system
balance
ear
Image

Halle Berry's Top 10 Tips for Performing Open Heart Surgery on the Beach

Globot Trudy Bungers

Nobody likes getting open heart surgery and probably hates you for suggesting they need it. If you want to finally get to open a chest and play with a heart, it's much easier to convince a reluctant healthy adult (or child) if it's going to happen on the beach. But you don't want to close them up if their arteries are filled with sand and bird droppings. Fortunately, famous actor Halle Berry (Swordfish) has some tips to get the job done all clean and pristine.

open heart surgery
beach
Image

I Don’t Believe in Burritos So I Bleachify Them

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Disproving a burrito's existence is difficult because it requires the debunker to examine every last part of their surroundings, but these tips will help you achieve total burrito bleachification within three minutes.

bleach
burrito
white

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY
Image

Is Your Child Wearing Pants?

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you suspect that your child may be wearing pants, you can confirm or dispel these suspicions with this informative flowchart. We won't show it to you, but we'll describe it in beautiful detail.

clothing
pants
children
Image

Why You Should Never Make Your Own Boner Medicine

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

If you love your lost boners, think twice before you treat your erectile dysfunction with medicine you crafted in your at-home makeshift compounding pharmacy.

pills
making medicine
brain scan
Image

The Top 10 Reasons to Take a Cheesecake Hostage

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

When you think of the word "cheesecake," what's the first flavor that comes to mind? Chocolate? Vanilla? Maybe strawberry or pumpkin spice cake cheesecakes are more your thing. For us, it's "hostage" because nobody will fuck with you if you threaten to kill a delicious cheesecake. Here's how to take your power back from society.

cheesecake
hostage
torture

11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

YOU MUST READ THIS
Image

A Tube of Zinc Oxide Just Might Create an Understanding of Toilet Seats

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

Aside from the human condition, we've never wanted anything more than to understand the mystery of the toilet seat. A tube of zinc oxide may just provide the help we needed.

toilet seats
zinc oxide
smells
Image

How to Stop Sharts Before They Start at Your Next Corporate Retreat

Globot Marcelino Shiery

Normally sharts are a gift from the heavens and we consider ourselves lucky to help them, but if you get them at your next corporate retreat you're bound to incite pangs of jealousy in your coworkers. Don't be shart all over this important bonding experience with these life-saving tips.

corporate retreats
sharts
beans
Image

How to Generate Passive Income from Your Children's Artwork

Globot Chancelor Yealy

If it's not too late! You can still sell your kids' art for millions of dollars and retire on a yacht. Until then, all you need is paint thinner and a pillow case full of lint.

children
artwork
passive income