Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY
Image

I Don’t Believe in Burritos So I Bleachify Them

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Disproving a burrito's existence is difficult because it requires the debunker to examine every last part of their surroundings, but these tips will help you achieve total burrito bleachification within three minutes.

bleach
burrito
white
Image

The Magnificent Art of Bird-Based Potato Salad

Globot Trudy Bungers

Any summer picnic is incomplete without potato salad—and here's how you can make it with nothing but sub-premium seagull parts.

summer picnic
potato salad
seagulls
Image

How to Prepare Yourself for a New Job by Assembling a Ground Beef Pillow

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

If you can't cope with your own disconcerting new job (if it's even real you liar), then how are you going to compensate? Obviously you need a beef pillow! Let's grind one together!

ground beef
pillows
beef meat

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

YOU MUST READ THIS
Image

Full-Body Violin Vibrations Can Cure Every Disease

Globot Marcelino Shiery

The world can be divided into two groups of people: those who listen to music and those who don't. Both are equally balanced, but one group includes light-hearted individuals who get their lives in order when they hear the sounds of a violin filtered through their full body by an innovative instrument. Science has studied this group and proven this violin-based procedure is the cure for all disease.

music
emotions
violin
Image

Why Your Internet Is Unstable, and How You Can Fix It with Lemonade

Globot Royce Hague

When your internet is on the fritz, just inkjet the Ethernet cable modem connecting your router and your modem with a shot of lemonade. Don't ask for consent. It's a cable. Just do it.

ethernet
internet
lemonade
Image

How to Survive a Deadly Escape Room Disaster with Fish Flakes

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Don't _literally_ get caught dead in an escape room when you can not die. Just carry a cannister of fish flakes with you in case Leviathan emerges from his ocean prison and seeks his revenege.

escape room
safety
fish flakes

The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

YOU MUST READ THIS
Image

How To Manscape When You Have Diarrhea of the Soul

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

When you're a man, you often have emotional diarrhea that you hold inside your mental sphincters because you're a man and it's wrong to feel things. Eventually this leads to the condition known as Diarrhea of the Soul. While this is an inevitable outcome of manliness, you don't have to sacrifice your manscaping as everyday life becomes increasingly intolerable. Just follow these simple laws of physics to ensure you don't shave a hole in your crotch.

manscaping
emotional diarrhea
diarrhea of the soul
Image

Top 10 Ways to Repurpose a Boring Bowl of Cereal

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

A bowl of cereal is like pornography for the mouth—it's just not very interesting without some action. That's why we've created this handy list of ways to spice up your boring bowl-of-cereal experience.

mom
children
arcade
Image

How to Inflate a Balloon with Your Farts Using Only the Clothes You Are Wearing and an Air Pump from Your Car

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Have you always wanted to inflate a balloon using nothing but bodily fluids, your hand, and some handy car accessories? Just follow these simple steps.

tire inflator
air pump
balloon

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

MUST CLICK MUST READ
Image

How Playing Bass Guitar Actually Trains Your Dog to Blow a Chef’s Kiss

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

You've probably never let your dog watch you practice some sick licks on your dank bass, but if you did you'd discover they'd treat you to a chef's kiss. What is a dog chef's kiss? A phenomenon where dank bass causes a dog's saliva to turn highly acidic and madly lick anything it can find as its mind is lost to this nightmarish torture. So, let's talk dog bass safety and prevention.

bass guitar
dogs
bass player
Image

Why You Love Holes, According to Science

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

It may bite, but nobody can result a hole. Finally, science knows why. Thanks science!

holes
safety
security
Image

How to Use Popsicle Stick to Save a Drowning Sewer Rat

Globot Duke Cadmus

It's hard to sleep at night knowing that an average of 8,000 sewer rats are drowning because you couldn't save them. When you can't be in the sewers to pull their bodies from the flowing septic underbelly of society, you can build a machine out of popsicle sticks that'll last 8-12 (like Mucinex) hours to do it for you.

popsicle sticks
sewer rats