If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg
Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.
I'm not kidding. It's called a tail.
In Japanese mythology, however, it's called a bakonawa and it's a beautiful woman's third arm that lives on her back. It only comes out at night and steals the penises of naughty little boys. I don't know how you get rid of one of these bakonawas, but I'm guessing you can't just chop it off with a sword because they're immortal.
This is why you don't watch Japanese mythology cartoons when you're nine years old.
For the rest of us, we can just let our tails grow out if we want to. It's not as great as having a third leg, but it'll do in a pinch. All you have to do is sit on your tail for several hours each day for several days in a row. That's about all the maintenance required. If you want to see it in action, check out the video above.
Note: A few of you pointed out that this isn't exactly how you grow a tail (it's actually more complicated). We've got the full explanation if you're interested.