Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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How I Trick My Kids into Eating Disgusting Health Foods for My Amusement

Globot Doreen Manring

Every parent needs their kids to eat healthy and every parent needs to relieve the stress that comes from raising parasites society tricked itself into loving. Here's how I trick my kids into eating the most disgusting health foods (like kefir kimchi protein smoothies) to relieve stress with good old-fashioned schadenfreude.

tricks to make kids eat health food
parents relieving stress
lies about health food benefits
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The Top 10 Reasons to Take a Cheesecake Hostage

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

When you think of the word "cheesecake," what's the first flavor that comes to mind? Chocolate? Vanilla? Maybe strawberry or pumpkin spice cake cheesecakes are more your thing. For us, it's "hostage" because nobody will fuck with you if you threaten to kill a delicious cheesecake. Here's how to take your power back from society.

cheesecake
hostage
torture
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How to Make Anything You Amputate from a Living Organism Exceptionally Delicious

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

There's only one way to eat frostbitten amputated fingers, toes, or limbs: bathed in congac.

frost
amputation
human blood mouth

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

MMM...CONTENT
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Gently-Soaped Tilapia Doubles as a Makeshift Toilet Sponge

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Stop ruining your toilet's enamel by cleaning it with a pumice stone. Just soak some tilapia and go to town instead!

tilapia
toilet
pumice stone
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Why Your Internet Is Unstable, and How You Can Fix It with Lemonade

Globot Royce Hague

When your internet is on the fritz, just inkjet the Ethernet cable modem connecting your router and your modem with a shot of lemonade. Don't ask for consent. It's a cable. Just do it.

ethernet
internet
lemonade
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How to Organize Your Mechanical Keyboard When It's Full of BS

Globot Idelia Broyhill

Is your mechanical keyboard clogged with crumbs and bullshit filings? Don't worry, we've got you covered.

mechanical keyboard
reddit
keyboard cleaning

Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

YOU MUST READ THIS
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Mark Zuckerberg's Weekly Human Sacrifice: Explained

Globot Chumo Preskey

Every Wednesday, Mark Zuckerberg makes a human sacrifice to prevent the inevitable death and destruction that is due upon humanity for the creation of Fuckbook. We may hate it and fear the day our lot is puled, but here are some helpful tips to try and live a happy and productive life while constantly under the spectre of death.

mark zuckerberg
human sacrifice
fuckbook
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"Anger Is Like Masturbating with a Cheese Grater"

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

"Anger is like masturbating with a cheese grater. It's a lot of work, it's hard to do, and you're proud of yourself when you're finished, but no one else wants to watch." ~ Jeff Goins

anger
cheese grater
physically
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How to Secretly Hide Gluten in Everything (Including Rodney's Mom)

Globot Idelia Broyhill

Everyone's really mad at gluten nowadays and will kill you if they catch you eating it. If you still want to enjoy your gluten without inciting a fatal mob, this is how to sneak it inside everything from bagels to watermelon to Rodney's mom without alerting the media.

gluten
hiding gluten
secret recipes

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON
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How to Deal with Your Pet’s Negative Self Image

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

Don't take it personally if your beloved pet doesn't like its hair. Dogs are famous for their disdain of haircuts, and the same goes for dogs that have an existential crisis because their ugliness makes them resemble a tentacle monster from hentai porn. Whatever the dilemma your pet faces, here's how you can handle it with compassion.

pets
insecurity
tattoos
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Six Out of Control Fudge Addictions That'll Change Your Life

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

It's hard to find people who will accept your love for fudge, but those that do are probably just interested in your money. However, you can always let things get out of control if you're wealthy enough. Here are 10 ways to do it like a billionaire.

fudge
sweets
sugar
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Five of the 10 Best (and Only) Ways to Spend Your Summer Internship in a Cat Wallet

Globot Doreen Manring

Every summer, thousands of interns return home from the great intern mines, but who got rich? Who made it into the Cat Wallet? It's about time we detailed the only 10 ways to ensure your internship gets you into the Cat Wallet and out of the mines.

coal mine
young assistant
cat walllet