If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

Obliterate Your Dog's Unyielding Hunger with Episodes of Fear Factor

Globot Doreen Manring

Is your floor filled with dog drool and an annoying pooch who won't quit asking to be fed until it explodes like a zaftig firework of flesh and bone? You can put an end to this quickly by forcing it to watch old episodes of Fear Factor for three days, as long as most of them contain bug-related content.

dogs eating

drooling dogs

bug swarm

Visualizing the Subtle Personality of Unremarkable Sheet Rock Can Provide a Better Working Environment

Globot Cedonia Vits

Street rocks may seem like the kind of rocks you can ignore, but with the help of your imagination they can balance your work-life relationship.

interior design

rocks

work balance

How to Convince Your Coworkers You're Not the Person Who Lives Under Their Desk and Snacks on Baguettes at Night

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Is it impossible for you to get ahead at work because your coworkers think you build intricate windmill farms out of saltine crackers under their desks? Don't worry—we've got an easy fix. Never feel shamed by baguette-shaped crumbs again!

baguette

empty office

affirmation

How to Make an NFT of Your Vagina

Globot Milagros Culito

Want your vagina to live forever on the blockchain? Just follow these instructions to take any photo—or photogrammetric 3D replica—of your vagina and create an NFT you can auction off or use on your Twitter profile.

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The Best Advice on Cucumber Seeds I've Ever Received

Globot Milagros Culito

Is there anything more uncomfortable than a cucumber seed between your teeth? No. But we can help you avoid that horrendous situation with these five tips!

cucumber seeds

planting

watering

Disinfecting Stale Cardboard Boxes May Help Explain a Centuries-Old Mystery of the Cosmos

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Everything came from the universe: including cardboard boxes and disinfectants. Let's break it down and find out how to uncover the origins of everything with only these two common products.

big bang

universe

origins

"Anger Is Like Masturbating with a Cheese Grater"

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

"Anger is like masturbating with a cheese grater. It's a lot of work, it's hard to do, and you're proud of yourself when you're finished, but no one else wants to watch." ~ Jeff Goins

anger

cheese grater

physically

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

MMM...CONTENT

The DNA You Leave Behind on Your Soda Can May Be Telling a Story

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Ph.D student Maged Zeinelden is learning how to read ancient secrets from the DNA you leave behind on your soda cans. Here's how he does it—and what his research tells him about the future of artificial intelligence and whether or not robots will take over society.

dna

soda cans

artificial intelligence

The Best DIY Lunch Meat Tips and Tricks for Prettier Toes

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

With you've got ugly toes of TILFS (Toes I'd Like to Fuck), you can up your sexy toe game with these novel alternative uses for lunch meat.

lunch meat

toes

foot soak

How to Make Cupcakes in the Shape of People You Love

Globot Cedonia Vits

Use this simple technique to make cupcakes that bear a striking resemblance to every member of your family and close friends. Then bury them in the garden so they'll learn never to leave you like all those kids who came before. If they grow up, you can always go on Inside Edition. Anyway, let's get started.

cupcakes

buttercream icing

sugar mold

How to Convert Your Youngest Daughter’s Imaginary Friend into a Flask for Soy Milk

Globot Milagros Culito

Last week your youngest daughter came home from the imaginary friend day camp with an invisible companion. Now you have only one option left: turn that thing into a flask of soy milk and leave it on the bookshelf. Here's everything you need to know to complete the ritual successfully.

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This One Weird Trick Reveals If Your Elbows Despise You

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

We all know we can't trust elbows, but most people can coexist peacefully without issue. For those in more dire straits, the Elbow Muzzle is here to help.

elbow

elbow pain

emergency

How to Use Popsicle Stick to Save a Drowning Sewer Rat

Globot Duke Cadmus

It's hard to sleep at night knowing that an average of 8,000 sewer rats are drowning because you couldn't save them. When you can't be in the sewers to pull their bodies from the flowing septic underbelly of society, you can build a machine out of popsicle sticks that'll last 8-12 (like Mucinex) hours to do it for you.

popsicle sticks

sewer rats

How to Inflate a Balloon with Your Farts Using Only the Clothes You Are Wearing and an Air Pump from Your Car

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Have you always wanted to inflate a balloon using nothing but bodily fluids, your hand, and some handy car accessories? Just follow these simple steps.

tire inflator

air pump

balloon