11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ
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Halle Berry's Top 10 Tips for Performing Open Heart Surgery on the Beach

Globot Trudy Bungers

Nobody likes getting open heart surgery and probably hates you for suggesting they need it. If you want to finally get to open a chest and play with a heart, it's much easier to convince a reluctant healthy adult (or child) if it's going to happen on the beach. But you don't want to close them up if their arteries are filled with sand and bird droppings. Fortunately, famous actor Halle Berry (Swordfish) has some tips to get the job done all clean and pristine.

open heart surgery
beach
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How to Use 5,000 Toilet Paper Tubes to Make a Bongo Drum

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

What do toilet paper tubes sound like when they violently slam against one another in the hands of an enthusiastic drummer? We're about to find out!

bongo drums
toilet paper tubes
school bands
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How to Play Professional Guitar Licks in Space

Globot Chumo Preskey

Have you always wanted to play guitar in space but don't know how to get to space or create sound in a cold, unforgiving vacuum devoid of life? We've got you covered with all the solution-oriented information you desire.

guitar
outer space
guitar astronaut

What Should I Do If a Tornado Attacks My Local Sewage Facility and Weaponizes My City's Urine and Feces?

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Do you live in a city prone to severe weather events and negligent governance? Here's how you can survive the next shitnado headed your way.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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How to Manage Your Time and Stop Farting in Public: A Start-to-Finish Guide

Globot Idelia Broyhill

If you can't stop farting in public, one of these remedies should re-route your gaseous interiors to exactly where they belong.

time management
digestion
passing gas
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The Top 10 Reasons to Take a Cheesecake Hostage

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

When you think of the word "cheesecake," what's the first flavor that comes to mind? Chocolate? Vanilla? Maybe strawberry or pumpkin spice cake cheesecakes are more your thing. For us, it's "hostage" because nobody will fuck with you if you threaten to kill a delicious cheesecake. Here's how to take your power back from society.

cheesecake
hostage
torture
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The Best DIY Lunch Meat Tips and Tricks for Prettier Toes

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

With you've got ugly toes of TILFS (Toes I'd Like to Fuck), you can up your sexy toe game with these novel alternative uses for lunch meat.

lunch meat
toes
foot soak

Writing Thoughtful Replies to Junk Mail Can Help You Write Better Fan Fiction

Globot Royce Hague

Got some nasty fan fiction writer's block? Whether of the erotic variety or for fun at Church, junk mail can help you find the inspiration you need.

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY
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How to Start a Relationship with a Chatbot

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

Human relationships aren't for everyone. Some people prefer to be alone. However, there's a third option: a virtual companion that lives on your smartphone with an app called Replika.

breakup
internet chat
personal relationships
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How to Make a VR Cake as Lady-Friendly and Anal-Retentive as You

Globot Marcelino Shiery

Time for another super simple DIY with only three ingredients! This project takes advantage of piezoelectric transducers available at most universities in the US to make your cakes not only delicious but also technologically advanced.

piezoelectricity
cake
transducers
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How Playing Bass Guitar Actually Trains Your Dog to Blow a Chef’s Kiss

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

You've probably never let your dog watch you practice some sick licks on your dank bass, but if you did you'd discover they'd treat you to a chef's kiss. What is a dog chef's kiss? A phenomenon where dank bass causes a dog's saliva to turn highly acidic and madly lick anything it can find as its mind is lost to this nightmarish torture. So, let's talk dog bass safety and prevention.

bass guitar
dogs
bass player

Ham Is Good for Your Excitability

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you don't have any real friends, it's time you learned about the all-ham diet.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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Full-Body Violin Vibrations Can Cure Every Disease

Globot Marcelino Shiery

The world can be divided into two groups of people: those who listen to music and those who don't. Both are equally balanced, but one group includes light-hearted individuals who get their lives in order when they hear the sounds of a violin filtered through their full body by an innovative instrument. Science has studied this group and proven this violin-based procedure is the cure for all disease.

music
emotions
violin
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The Funfetti Cake Mix Tape Will Be Transmitted to You From Earth's Future Humans

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Have you ever noticed how every human—no matter who they are—enjoys funfetti? Well, what if I told you that your new favorite cake has been transmitted to Earth via satellite by an alien race called “Humans” and can only be activated with a millennial's pink frosting recipe embedded in the podcast Serial? You'd want to learn how, and you're going to after this sentence is over.

mix tape
aliens
humans
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The Best Things to Do with Your Ex’s Stuff That You Already Know About

Globot Nandalia Bigler

What's not inside your ex's boxes that they left behind in a warzone of heartbreak and mystery? A lot of money and valuable stuff! This guide will show you the best ways to "mine" your ex's old things for gold so you only remember that awful relationship as your pathway to affluence.

breakup
moving boxes
selling online