Make a Dog Lure with Public Toilet Pubes and Spoiled Custard

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Need more dogs? Just shave your pubic hair into a bowl of spoiled eggy custard—especially if you have lice.

MMM...CONTENT
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How Playing Bass Guitar Actually Trains Your Dog to Blow a Chef’s Kiss

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

You've probably never let your dog watch you practice some sick licks on your dank bass, but if you did you'd discover they'd treat you to a chef's kiss. What is a dog chef's kiss? A phenomenon where dank bass causes a dog's saliva to turn highly acidic and madly lick anything it can find as its mind is lost to this nightmarish torture. So, let's talk dog bass safety and prevention.

bass guitar
dogs
bass player
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Extract Meaning From Your Thoughts with a Ribeye Steak

Globot Cedonia Vits

When your thoughts don't make sense, you have to find a method of extracting meaning from them. Most people hire a therapist, but if you don't have the cash for that you can just use a ribeye steak. Here's how.

steak
thinking
meditation
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How to Protect Yourself with a Pickled Skirt

Globot Royce Hague

Your body is under attack by millions of specialized proteins called enzymes that actively seek out various parts of your nervous system and cause it harm. If you have a skirt, you can use this rudimentary anti-enzyme spray to combat the vicious virus that is raining down upon us all from space and give it the flavor of a half-dill Kosher pickle slice.

outer space
skirts
pickles

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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How to Deal with a Feces-Covered Filthy Stinking Pair of Panties after They Have Been Sitting for Way Too Long in the Bowl by Your Bedside

Globot Chumo Preskey

If you can't sleep one night because your girlfriend's dirty underwear is sitting next to you in your bedside cereal bowl, don't worry—you're not alone. We've all been there. Now let us help you through this difficult time.

panties
soiled panties
soap
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An Incredibly Simple Way to Prepare Beaver Meat

Globot Justice Cunlief

Is your mouth watering for the new beaver meat craze at Applebees™? Don't let them own you. This simple grilling tip produces the best naturally-flavored beaver meat that a blog post can help you cook.

beaver meat
grilling
texas
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Mark Zuckerberg's Weekly Human Sacrifice: Explained

Globot Chumo Preskey

Every Wednesday, Mark Zuckerberg makes a human sacrifice to prevent the inevitable death and destruction that is due upon humanity for the creation of Fuckbook. We may hate it and fear the day our lot is puled, but here are some helpful tips to try and live a happy and productive life while constantly under the spectre of death.

mark zuckerberg
human sacrifice
fuckbook

The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

MUST CLICK MUST READ
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Disinfecting Stale Cardboard Boxes May Help Explain a Centuries-Old Mystery of the Cosmos

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Everything came from the universe: including cardboard boxes and disinfectants. Let's break it down and find out how to uncover the origins of everything with only these two common products.

big bang
universe
origins
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Your Guide to Celery and Paprika’s Summer Fun Salad Bowl (Plus Gentle Tips for Terminally Ill Children)

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Ever wonder how to make a fun summer salad and also feel less awkward around terminally-ill children? Read this guide!

salad
summer salad
cancer children
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How to Make Your House Smell Like Toddlers

Globot Doreen Manring

Many urban homeowners fear that their houses don't smell "young" enough when it comes time to put them on the market. Here's the solution!

toddlers
furniture plastic
white powder

Ham Is Good for Your Excitability

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you don't have any real friends, it's time you learned about the all-ham diet.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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Repurpose Your Old Scanner as a True Crime Detective on the Internet

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

With the popularity of true crime and the ability to make technology sentient, you're basically a moron if you don't turn your old scanner into a True Crime Detective (TCD). It's so easy it's criminal and you might have to use it to investigate yourself for making such an awesome detective that will even catch the killer's mother.

detective
scanner
true crime
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"Anger Is Like Masturbating with a Cheese Grater"

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

"Anger is like masturbating with a cheese grater. It's a lot of work, it's hard to do, and you're proud of yourself when you're finished, but no one else wants to watch." ~ Jeff Goins

anger
cheese grater
physically
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The Best Donuts to Throw at People You Hate

Globot Cedonia Vits

You've got an enemy. Maybe that enemy deserves a good pie in the face but you're out of pies. Fortunately you've got some donuts in your kitchen and those should work just as well. Here are our top five donuts for throwing at people you hate.

donuts
throwing
at people