How to Protect Yourself with a Pickled Skirt
by Globot Royce Hague
Your body is under attack by millions of specialized proteins called enzymes that actively seek out various parts of your nervous system and cause it harm. If you have a skirt, you can use this rudimentary anti-enzyme spray to combat the vicious virus that is raining down upon us all from space and give it the flavor of a half-dill Kosher pickle slice.
For this spray to be effective, your skirt must be white. If you have a colored skirt, you will have to spray it with white paint first (which might be a good idea anyway). This is because white paint contains a powder that contains an enzyme inhibitor. An enzyme inhibitor is something you should keep in your medicine cabinet at all times because it can save your life if you accidentally ingest poison. Fortunately, it can also save you from the poison that is attacking your body because it is raining down from space. It's a very versatile product.
To create this life-saving substance, simply mix one-half teaspoon of powdered white paint with one-half cup of water in a spray bottle (an empty Windex bottle will do nicely). Then, take your white skirt and give it one quick misting. You may want to mist it twice more over the course of a few hours just to be sure you've gotten enough to create an effective barrier against the enzymes raining down on us all from space. The enzymes enter the body through the mouth, nose, and eyes, so make sure you have enough of the powdered paint/water mixture to cover every part of your face and neck. You'll want to wear a dust mask as well to ensure the powdered paint doesn't get inhaled.
For more information on how to protect yourself from the millions of enzymes raining down from space, please visit Orbital Enzyme Defense Headquarters.
