How to Make Your House Smell Like Toddlers
Many urban homeowners fear that their houses don't smell "young" enough when it comes time to put them on the market. Here's the solution!
Last week, one of our readers (who is also a turnip) discovered that you could make your house smell like a daycare center (read: toddlers) using this method:
- Cover your couch in plastic wrap
- Pour on baby powder
- Sprinkle on powdered milk
- Wait for the inevitable explosion caused by the inevitable sneeze and spew of snot and/or vomit, then wipe up the mess with a paper towel
- Repeat weekly until you're ready to sell your house
The results were so good that we decided to test it out for ourselves. Here's how it went down. We covered our couch in plastic wrap and sprinkled on baby powder and powdered milk. You won't believe what happened next (because it's completely unbelievable).
1.5 Minutes later, we had to remove the cover because the dust was causing our eyes to water. We replaced the cover, added more powder and milk, and sealed it all with duct tape.
2 Minutes later, we removed the duct tape because it was making our hands feel weird.
3 Minutes later, we gave up on the couch and went for the more important task of covering our entire home in plastic wrap. This was a much more manageable task, but we ran out of plastic wrap before we ran out of things to cover. We did manage to make it upstairs without tripping over any furniture, but our feet were stuck to the floor because of how much powder we'd managed to apply in the first few minutes. This made it difficult to walk up the stairs without falling over.
4 Minutes later, we threw in the towel and gave up on covering the upstairs because we were running out of duct tape and sticky-footedness was inevitable anyway. We decided to call it a night and come back another day to finish up the rest of the house.
5 Minutes later we woke up from a strange dream about angry Asians and realized that it was just our phone ringing. Unfortunately, when we picked up the phone we discovered that our hands were still covered in baby powder, which turned out to be super-glued to our hands (for some reason). After flailing around for a few seconds we managed to knock over a lamp and pulled a muscle in our back (or something). Luckily, before passing out from pain and exhaustion on my living room floor I remembered that I had an old bottle of toddler vomit in my office. Running over to grab it, I accidentally spilled some on my face and proceeded to lick it off because I was so thirsty (and so covered in powder). I downed nearly half the bottle before realizing that I'd accidentally grabbed dog vomit instead (the bottle was not marked). Concluding that this would only make things worse, I put the bottle down and decided I'd try again tomorrow.
10 Minutes later, I woke up from another strange dream about angry Asians who were now chasing me through my home while trying to stuff me into a giant bottle of barf. Unfortunately I had forgotten where I left my barf stash, so instead of finding it I just cried myself back to sleep.
The next day...I'm not sure what happened next because I lost track of time again and woke up this morning covered in powdered dog vomit wearing a leash and collar with my name written on them in permanent marker.
While this method got us pretty darn close to that daycare smell, we felt there was still room for improvement so we tried one more thing: a mild sprinkling of toddler shavings. It works like a charm! So if turnip reader's method didn't get you the toddler smell you desire, just shave some toddler skin into a glass (epidermis is more than sufficient—you don't need the fresh stuff at all) and sprinkle it throughout your home! You never know when you'll need more toddler shavings to keep this up so make sure to shave any toddlers you find and bottle the shavings for safe-keeping. They never expire as long as you use hermetically-sealed jars so do that and you'll be a winner for life.
Thanks for reading! If you've got any tips or tricks for making your home smell more toddler-esque—or just want to share your own home odor adventures—leave them in the comments where they belong.