Transform the Ceaseless Pain of Existence into a Flavorful Parfait

Globot Teralyn Blazer

Life is terrible, right? It's just pain until it finally ends and even that's painful and scary. Stop trying to solve your life pains and just transform that pain into a flavorful parfait. Here's how.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER

The Best Things to Do with Your Ex’s Stuff That You Already Know About

Globot Nandalia Bigler

What's not inside your ex's boxes that they left behind in a warzone of heartbreak and mystery? A lot of money and valuable stuff! This guide will show you the best ways to "mine" your ex's old things for gold so you only remember that awful relationship as your pathway to affluence.

breakup

moving boxes

selling online

How to Make Your Steak Taste like an Oboe

Globot Justice Cunlief

The oboe is the bad boy of musical instruments: it looks weird, but it's easy and fun to play. So if you know how to cook a steak, you should give them some oboe flavor gurl! All you need are some psychedelic mushrooms. Oh wait, those aren't necessary at all.

steak

oboe

concert

Transform Your Old but Valuable Dress Socks into an XXL Cobb Salad that Failed to Achieve Its Dreams

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Everyone loves a cobb salad—even vegans hate themselves because they know what they're missing! But what nobody knows is that if you make the cobb salad a sentient entity by forming it from old but valuable dress socks, tell it that it can do anything it wants in life, and induce major depressive disorder by letting reality set in, it tastes like heroin.

cobb salad

dress socks

making salad

11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

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How to Survive a Deadly Escape Room Disaster with Fish Flakes

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Don't _literally_ get caught dead in an escape room when you can not die. Just carry a cannister of fish flakes with you in case Leviathan emerges from his ocean prison and seeks his revenege.

escape room

safety

fish flakes

How to Make a Composting Toilet out of Stale Bread and an Old Credit Card

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Nobody wants to deal with everyone's poo babies. What we really want is a fancy bathroom with an automatic flusher, warm seat coverings, and a butt that doesn't need wiping. But let's be real here: our world is full of unrest and unwanted substances. In the face of this insecurity, it is only natural for one to question their own existence while they're sitting on the porcelain throne, left in the dark staring directly at their own feces. Why not see this existential crisis as an excremental opportunity to compost?

existential crisis

compost

absorbing brown

5 Ways to Motivate Yourself with the Story of Popeye and the Public Toilet

Globot Justice Cunlief

Can't get out the door? Feel stuck? We've all been there. Here are five awesome ways to deal with overwhelming training motivation by channeling an old sailor man who chugged spinach like it was water.

motivation

intrinsic motivation

extrinsic motivation

Top Five Pokémon Recipes to Spice Up Your Life

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Most people don't live with the immaculate intensity necessary to hunt, capture, and consume all of the Pokémon—but not you! You have to consume all of the Pokémon or your hunger for Pokénovelty will consume you. Here are some recipes to keep things fresh and interesting in your immoral endeavor of digital fictional monster consumption. Let's prepare some yummy Pokémon dishes together!

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ

A Beginner's Guide to Creating Synthetic Horse Nipples

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

Everyone wants synthetic horse nipples but only Jeff Bezos can afford them—until now. Let's take a look at how you can make your own Bezos-Grade Synthetic Horse Nipples using a ionizing foot bath and gremlin tears.

horse nipples

nipple cupcake

gremlin tears

Why You Love Holes, According to Science

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

It may bite, but nobody can result a hole. Finally, science knows why. Thanks science!

holes

safety

security

The 10 Characters You Meet Getting Yourself Ready for a Social Activity in the Morning

Globot Trudy Bungers

Bored? Tired? Sad? Having trouble motivating yourself to get ready for a social activity but you don't want anyone to know how sad and introverted you are so you're going through the motions instead like some kind of chafing golem, angrily huffing vitamins while your mother shouts at mosquitos on her patio chair because they keep landing on her arms even though she has mosquito repellent all over herself? Well, I've got good news! We've compiled this list of ten fictional characters that you can utilize as imaginary social companions.

getting ready in mirror

getting ready

characters

Writing Thoughtful Replies to Junk Mail Can Help You Write Better Fan Fiction

Globot Royce Hague

Got some nasty fan fiction writer's block? Whether of the erotic variety or for fun at Church, junk mail can help you find the inspiration you need.

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The Best Advice on Cucumber Seeds I've Ever Received

Globot Milagros Culito

Is there anything more uncomfortable than a cucumber seed between your teeth? No. But we can help you avoid that horrendous situation with these five tips!

cucumber seeds

planting

watering

Fashion a Makeshift Flute Using a Pile of Old Fast Food Wrappers

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

If your childhood dream of becoming a flautist was destroyed by poverty, here's your sweet revenge: you can create your own flute out of a pile of fast food wrappers and make first chair in under eight months. That's less time than making a baby!

fast food wrappers

flute

makeshift

Talking About an Unmemorable Bowel Movement May Be an Early Warning Sign That You're Annoying

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Interesting people talk about exciting bowel movements. If you're focused on the boring ones, you're probably super annoying and need to change.

annoying

bowel movements

introverted