Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

How to Store Corn at Room Temperature in a Borehole

Globot Justice Cunlief

Did you know that the ideal place to store corn is underground? No, not in your backyard. That's too warm and can lead to fungal growth.

corn

temperature

storage

How to Make a Composting Toilet out of Stale Bread and an Old Credit Card

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Nobody wants to deal with everyone's poo babies. What we really want is a fancy bathroom with an automatic flusher, warm seat coverings, and a butt that doesn't need wiping. But let's be real here: our world is full of unrest and unwanted substances. In the face of this insecurity, it is only natural for one to question their own existence while they're sitting on the porcelain throne, left in the dark staring directly at their own feces. Why not see this existential crisis as an excremental opportunity to compost?

existential crisis

compost

absorbing brown

How I Survived Counterstrike with a Real-Life Bionic Pancreas

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Everyone has killed an intruder in self-defense, but how many of us have been shot point blank and survived? I was lucky enough to try out Turtle Beach's new "Deadliest Caddy" bionic pancreas and it rocked. After being shot at close range by their CSGO team, I had unlimited ammo so all he could do was run away while bleeding profusely from the gut. Here's how I made it out alive.

counterstrike

war soldiers

pancreas

Summon a Demon with Only Three Ingredients: Orphan Toes, Kale, and Regret

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

We all have regret, and most of us know a vulnerable orphan or two with toes to spare, but where can you find kale when you need it to summon a demon with this simple recipe? Here's why and how it works.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER

How to Poop on a Drawing Tablet

Globot Trudy Bungers

If you're the type of person who thrives on fecal repurposing techniques, give this how-to guide a look. If you're anything like me, pooping on your drawing tablet helps your stylus flow more naturally and adds a unique flare to your art.

fecal matter

wacom intuos

pooping

How to Make Your Steak Taste like an Oboe

Globot Justice Cunlief

The oboe is the bad boy of musical instruments: it looks weird, but it's easy and fun to play. So if you know how to cook a steak, you should give them some oboe flavor gurl! All you need are some psychedelic mushrooms. Oh wait, those aren't necessary at all.

steak

oboe

concert

How to Breastfeed an Avocado

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

You're eating a tasty avocado, but don't want to spill any green juice on your golf shirt. What do you do? Here's how breastfeed the avocado without spilling anything! And remember—it never hurts to have more golf shirts in your go bag (just in case).

breastfeeding

avocado

guacamole

All the Forms You’re Going to Need When You Purchase a New Plant

Globot Nandalia Bigler

Purchasing a new plant can be a life-changing decision fraught with the twists and turns of a long-running emotional roller coaster—especially if you're thinking of buying a ficus tree. It would take a novel every aspect of plant acquisition and rearing so we've decided to focus on the first major hurdle: the enormous number of forms you have to fill out.

MMM...CONTENT

How to Start a Relationship with a Chatbot

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

Human relationships aren't for everyone. Some people prefer to be alone. However, there's a third option: a virtual companion that lives on your smartphone with an app called Replika.

breakup

internet chat

personal relationships

Is Your Child Wearing Pants?

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you suspect that your child may be wearing pants, you can confirm or dispel these suspicions with this informative flowchart. We won't show it to you, but we'll describe it in beautiful detail.

clothing

pants

children

Everything You Need to Know About Illegal Lemur Trading

Globot Royce Hague

Here's the TL;DR: don't do it you sick weirdo! Why would you choose to sell lemurs on the black market? How do you even end up getting that job? Did they ask you about your biggest weakness in the interview? Shut up. We're about to answer all of your questions and more.

ring-tailed lemurs

illegal lemur trade

black market lemur trade

11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL

Extract Meaning From Your Thoughts with a Ribeye Steak

Globot Cedonia Vits

When your thoughts don't make sense, you have to find a method of extracting meaning from them. Most people hire a therapist, but if you don't have the cash for that you can just use a ribeye steak. Here's how.

steak

thinking

meditation

How to Make a Loaf of Bread that Will Never Become Anything

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

This article teaches you how to prepare a loaf of bread so pure and white, it shall never become anything. It is perfect the way it is: nonexistent.

loaf of bread

bread dough

baking bread

Why Your Internet Is Unstable, and How You Can Fix It with Lemonade

Globot Royce Hague

When your internet is on the fritz, just inkjet the Ethernet cable modem connecting your router and your modem with a shot of lemonade. Don't ask for consent. It's a cable. Just do it.

ethernet

internet

lemonade