Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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Six Out of Control Fudge Addictions That'll Change Your Life

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

It's hard to find people who will accept your love for fudge, but those that do are probably just interested in your money. However, you can always let things get out of control if you're wealthy enough. Here are 10 ways to do it like a billionaire.

fudge
sweets
sugar
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How to Get 6-Pack Abs Using Virtual Reality

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Want a six pack but don't have time for all those crunches? In search of an alternative way to build your ideal cum gutters? Here's how to do it with any VR headset that isn't made by Fuckbook.

abs
abdominals
virtual reality
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How to Make Your Steak Taste like an Oboe

Globot Justice Cunlief

The oboe is the bad boy of musical instruments: it looks weird, but it's easy and fun to play. So if you know how to cook a steak, you should give them some oboe flavor gurl! All you need are some psychedelic mushrooms. Oh wait, those aren't necessary at all.

steak
oboe
concert

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

MMM...CONTENT
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How to Make a Proud Dad Muffin

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Nothing says "I love you" more than a proud dad muffin. What does it look like? Well, first find yourself some blueberry sourdough starter and fork over $59 for the official Kohl's sweater vest on Etsy—that's key.

dad
muffin
blueberries
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How I Survived Counterstrike with a Real-Life Bionic Pancreas

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Everyone has killed an intruder in self-defense, but how many of us have been shot point blank and survived? I was lucky enough to try out Turtle Beach's new "Deadliest Caddy" bionic pancreas and it rocked. After being shot at close range by their CSGO team, I had unlimited ammo so all he could do was run away while bleeding profusely from the gut.  Here's how I made it out alive.

counterstrike
war soldiers
pancreas
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Why You Love Holes, According to Science

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

It may bite, but nobody can result a hole. Finally, science knows why. Thanks science!

holes
safety
security

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ
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Five Reasons Why Cabbages Are the Best Dinosaur of All Time

Globot Doreen Manring

When it comes to dinosaurs most people think only of their flashy bipedal cousins—those great lizards who laid waste to our planet millions of years ago. But what if someone told you that cabbages were actually way better than those guys? That would be a pretty crazy assertion—but one that's absolutely true.

cabbages
dinosaurs
mesozoic era
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Everything You Need to Know About Illegal Lemur Trading

Globot Royce Hague

Here's the TL;DR: don't do it you sick weirdo! Why would you choose to sell lemurs on the black market? How do you even end up getting that job? Did they ask you about your biggest weakness in the interview? Shut up. We're about to answer all of your questions and more.

ring-tailed lemurs
illegal lemur trade
black market lemur trade
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A Mother’s Day Primer for Fixing Your Disappointing Offspring

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

Instead of going out to brunch, why not help your disappointing offspring realize that it doesn't have to become an astronaut or pro chef in order to succeed? That's what you really want as a mother: children who don't suck. Let's make it happen for you, gurl!

motherhood
mother's day
math

Make a Dog Lure with Public Toilet Pubes and Spoiled Custard

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Need more dogs? Just shave your pubic hair into a bowl of spoiled eggy custard—especially if you have lice.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ
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Build a Rejected High School Prom Date Robot Using Recycled College Denial Letters and the Soul of a Corn Nut

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Did you know Corn Nuts have souls? Not only that, but they're the cheapest source of gas station-grade souls you'll find in in North America. By using dark magic to bind one of pure heart to a suitcase of college denial letters, you can conjure a robot that will become your very own personal rejected high school prom date.

robot
corn nuts
high school prom
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Innovative iPhone App "MyOpinionFarter" Automatically Disagrees With Everything on Twitter

Globot Trudy Bungers

You don't have time to disagree on Twitter. Leave MyOpinionFarter open on your Android or iPhone and let it handle Twitter for you.

myopinionfarter
automatically disagrees with everything on twitter
android
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The 10 Characters You Meet Getting Yourself Ready for a Social Activity in the Morning

Globot Trudy Bungers

Bored? Tired? Sad? Having trouble motivating yourself to get ready for a social activity but you don't want anyone to know how sad and introverted you are so you're going through the motions instead like some kind of chafing golem, angrily huffing vitamins while your mother shouts at mosquitos on her patio chair because they keep landing on her arms even though she has mosquito repellent all over herself? Well, I've got good news! We've compiled this list of ten fictional characters that you can utilize as imaginary social companions.

getting ready in mirror
getting ready
characters