Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

How to Play Professional Guitar Licks in Space

Globot Chumo Preskey

Have you always wanted to play guitar in space but don't know how to get to space or create sound in a cold, unforgiving vacuum devoid of life? We've got you covered with all the solution-oriented information you desire.

guitar

outer space

guitar astronaut

A Stupid Recipe to Make Corn into the Ideal Gag Gift

Globot Nandalia Bigler

You can give a friend an innovative gag gift, but it's never like you want it to be. Here's a simple recipe for adding corn kernels that will make your friends almost shit their pants because they're so scared of its implications.

april fool's

gag gift

corn

A Mother’s Day Primer for Fixing Your Disappointing Offspring

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

Instead of going out to brunch, why not help your disappointing offspring realize that it doesn't have to become an astronaut or pro chef in order to succeed? That's what you really want as a mother: children who don't suck. Let's make it happen for you, gurl!

motherhood

mother's day

math

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

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How to Use 5,000 Toilet Paper Tubes to Make a Bongo Drum

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

What do toilet paper tubes sound like when they violently slam against one another in the hands of an enthusiastic drummer? We're about to find out!

bongo drums

toilet paper tubes

school bands

Weaponize Your Garbage Disposal to Stop Would-Be Intruders

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

You can't be awake at all hours to stop robbers and thieves, so make a few simple alterations to your garbage disposal to ensure they're dead and retrieved by the police by the time you wake up.

pennies

garbage disposal

plumbing

Disinfecting Stale Cardboard Boxes May Help Explain a Centuries-Old Mystery of the Cosmos

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Everything came from the universe: including cardboard boxes and disinfectants. Let's break it down and find out how to uncover the origins of everything with only these two common products.

big bang

universe

origins

Top Five Pokémon Recipes to Spice Up Your Life

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Most people don't live with the immaculate intensity necessary to hunt, capture, and consume all of the Pokémon—but not you! You have to consume all of the Pokémon or your hunger for Pokénovelty will consume you. Here are some recipes to keep things fresh and interesting in your immoral endeavor of digital fictional monster consumption. Let's prepare some yummy Pokémon dishes together!

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The Five Best Android Apps to Replace Your Inkjet Printer

Globot Chancelor Yealy

If you can't afford an inkjet printer, no worries. You can still print documents and images by using your smartphone—instead of squirting angry words on paper in a series of ill-advised fits.

android

smartphone

android smartphone

How to Convince Your Coworkers that You’re Totally Fine Pitching an Egg into a Tree All Day

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Do people fail to understand your weird habits? Learn how to harness your innate weirdness, wasted time, and poor taste in humor and get external validation from group think idiots. Here's how.

egg toss

planting trees from seed

coworkers

7 Ways to Upgrade Your Dog's Vestibular System

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Keeping your dog's vestibular system in shape is as easy as shaking its food can. Here are our top tips on vestibular pooch perfection.

vestibular system

balance

ear

Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

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How to Make Dog Farts in a Can at Home

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

There's nothing more delicious than dog farts in a can, except maybe one thing: sharing the experience with someone you love. Here's how to make that joy happen for you and your secret family from the comfort of your home.

dog farts

whipped cream

food coloring

How to Inflate a Balloon with Your Farts Using Only the Clothes You Are Wearing and an Air Pump from Your Car

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Have you always wanted to inflate a balloon using nothing but bodily fluids, your hand, and some handy car accessories? Just follow these simple steps.

tire inflator

air pump

balloon

Gently-Soaped Tilapia Doubles as a Makeshift Toilet Sponge

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Stop ruining your toilet's enamel by cleaning it with a pumice stone. Just soak some tilapia and go to town instead!

tilapia

toilet

pumice stone