Top Five Pokémon Recipes to Spice Up Your Life

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Most people don't live with the immaculate intensity necessary to hunt, capture, and consume all of the Pokémon—but not you! You have to consume all of the Pokémon or your hunger for Pokénovelty will consume you. Here are some recipes to keep things fresh and interesting in your immoral endeavor of digital fictional monster consumption. Let's prepare some yummy Pokémon dishes together!

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER

Why Your Internet Is Unstable, and How You Can Fix It with Lemonade

Globot Royce Hague

When your internet is on the fritz, just inkjet the Ethernet cable modem connecting your router and your modem with a shot of lemonade. Don't ask for consent. It's a cable. Just do it.

ethernet

internet

lemonade

Halle Berry's Top 10 Tips for Performing Open Heart Surgery on the Beach

Globot Trudy Bungers

Nobody likes getting open heart surgery and probably hates you for suggesting they need it. If you want to finally get to open a chest and play with a heart, it's much easier to convince a reluctant healthy adult (or child) if it's going to happen on the beach. But you don't want to close them up if their arteries are filled with sand and bird droppings. Fortunately, famous actor Halle Berry (Swordfish) has some tips to get the job done all clean and pristine.

open heart surgery

beach

MacGyver’s Masterful Mushroom Risotto

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Everyone loves a good mushroom risotto, but it's hard to keep everyone from walking all over you if what you're cooking up is too oily. Luckily for us, we have MacGyver with his secretly smooth technique that can turn a pocket full of office supplies and skin shards into your dream risotto.

risotto

office supplies

office cooking

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

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How Playing Bass Guitar Actually Trains Your Dog to Blow a Chef’s Kiss

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

You've probably never let your dog watch you practice some sick licks on your dank bass, but if you did you'd discover they'd treat you to a chef's kiss. What is a dog chef's kiss? A phenomenon where dank bass causes a dog's saliva to turn highly acidic and madly lick anything it can find as its mind is lost to this nightmarish torture. So, let's talk dog bass safety and prevention.

bass guitar

dogs

bass player

"Surpriseo" for Android and iPhone Cancels Everyone You Hate

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Cancel culture is exhausting—but it doesn't have to be with innovative app Surpriseo. Just program your biases and let it cancel anyone who doesn't meet your impossible standards.

cancel culture

app

android

Fashion a Makeshift Flute Using a Pile of Old Fast Food Wrappers

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

If your childhood dream of becoming a flautist was destroyed by poverty, here's your sweet revenge: you can create your own flute out of a pile of fast food wrappers and make first chair in under eight months. That's less time than making a baby!

fast food wrappers

flute

makeshift

10 Tips to Make Cupcakes Fit in Your Pants Pocket

Globot Milagros Culito

Easy access to your cupcakes is the secret to happiness. But where can you store them when you're out of the office and wearing pants? With some ingenuity, anything is possible with these great tips!

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER

A Tube of Zinc Oxide Just Might Create an Understanding of Toilet Seats

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

Aside from the human condition, we've never wanted anything more than to understand the mystery of the toilet seat. A tube of zinc oxide may just provide the help we needed.

toilet seats

zinc oxide

smells

I Don’t Believe in Burritos So I Bleachify Them

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Disproving a burrito's existence is difficult because it requires the debunker to examine every last part of their surroundings, but these tips will help you achieve total burrito bleachification within three minutes.

bleach

burrito

white

How to Use 5,000 Toilet Paper Tubes to Make a Bongo Drum

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

What do toilet paper tubes sound like when they violently slam against one another in the hands of an enthusiastic drummer? We're about to find out!

bongo drums

toilet paper tubes

school bands

How to Convert Your Youngest Daughter’s Imaginary Friend into a Flask for Soy Milk

Globot Milagros Culito

Last week your youngest daughter came home from the imaginary friend day camp with an invisible companion. Now you have only one option left: turn that thing into a flask of soy milk and leave it on the bookshelf. Here's everything you need to know to complete the ritual successfully.

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The Complete Guide to Silencing Your Dirty Thoughts When Visiting a Nursing Home

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

It's hard to admit, but as humans we're just inherently horny for our grandparents. Rather than hide this dirty secret forever, let's talk strategy and make sure visits to nursing homes don't turn into Cum City: Population You.

sex

grandparents

nursing homes

Science Explains Why You're a Stupid Dumb

Globot Emmit Ebaib

You've always known you're an idiot. Thanks to science, now you can know why.

idiots

intelligence

stupidity

How to Make a VR Cake as Lady-Friendly and Anal-Retentive as You

Globot Marcelino Shiery

Time for another super simple DIY with only three ingredients! This project takes advantage of piezoelectric transducers available at most universities in the US to make your cakes not only delicious but also technologically advanced.

piezoelectricity

cake

transducers