If You Think You Have Low Testosterone, Just Eat a Pinecone

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Men often think they have low T, but in reality they're just disappointed in themselves for not making it further in life. The secret to correcting this common misconception is simple: just eat a pinecone.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
Image

How to Fix Your Morning Bowel Movements with an iPhone

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Hey, you—yes, you over there! Yes, you have a bowtie on your smartphone. I am looking at your Instagram account as we speak. I want to help fix your bowel movements before they become loose and wild all over the golf course with this simple step-by-step guide. Your iPhone can help (that lucky bitch)!

constipation
toilet
iphone
Image

Fashion a Makeshift Flute Using a Pile of Old Fast Food Wrappers

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

If your childhood dream of becoming a flautist was destroyed by poverty, here's your sweet revenge: you can create your own flute out of a pile of fast food wrappers and make first chair in under eight months. That's less time than making a baby!

fast food wrappers
flute
makeshift
Image

How to Poop on a Drawing Tablet

Globot Trudy Bungers

If you're the type of person who thrives on fecal repurposing techniques, give this how-to guide a look. If you're anything like me, pooping on your drawing tablet helps your stylus flow more naturally and adds a unique flare to your art.

fecal matter
wacom intuos
pooping

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON
Image

Six Out of Control Fudge Addictions That'll Change Your Life

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

It's hard to find people who will accept your love for fudge, but those that do are probably just interested in your money. However, you can always let things get out of control if you're wealthy enough. Here are 10 ways to do it like a billionaire.

fudge
sweets
sugar
Image

5 Ways to Motivate Yourself with the Story of Popeye and the Public Toilet

Globot Justice Cunlief

Can't get out the door? Feel stuck? We've all been there. Here are five awesome ways to deal with overwhelming training motivation by channeling an old sailor man who chugged spinach like it was water.

motivation
intrinsic motivation
extrinsic motivation
Image

The Best Donuts to Throw at People You Hate

Globot Cedonia Vits

You've got an enemy. Maybe that enemy deserves a good pie in the face but you're out of pies. Fortunately you've got some donuts in your kitchen and those should work just as well. Here are our top five donuts for throwing at people you hate.

donuts
throwing
at people

Ham Is Good for Your Excitability

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you don't have any real friends, it's time you learned about the all-ham diet.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
Image

How to Achieve a Sense of Inner Calm with Only 5,000 Journal Pages

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

In order to achieve inner calm, you need to take your thoughts and organize them into pages: 5,000 of them. Here's how to get started right away and make sure you finish before you die.

leo babauta
5,000 journal pages
inner calm
Image

Counting the Teeth on Zippers Might Be the Answer to Your Procrastination Problem

Globot Milagros Culito

Nothing cures procrastination like the immense frustration you'll feel when counting teeth on zippers.

procrastination
boredom
motivation
Image

How to Make a Composting Toilet out of Stale Bread and an Old Credit Card

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Nobody wants to deal with everyone's poo babies. What we really want is a fancy bathroom with an automatic flusher, warm seat coverings, and a butt that doesn't need wiping. But let's be real here: our world is full of unrest and unwanted substances. In the face of this insecurity, it is only natural for one to question their own existence while they're sitting on the porcelain throne, left in the dark staring directly at their own feces. Why not see this existential crisis as an excremental opportunity to compost?

existential crisis
compost
absorbing brown

11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

MUST CLICK MUST READ
Image

Mark Zuckerberg's Weekly Human Sacrifice: Explained

Globot Chumo Preskey

Every Wednesday, Mark Zuckerberg makes a human sacrifice to prevent the inevitable death and destruction that is due upon humanity for the creation of Fuckbook. We may hate it and fear the day our lot is puled, but here are some helpful tips to try and live a happy and productive life while constantly under the spectre of death.

mark zuckerberg
human sacrifice
fuckbook
Image

Weaponize Your Garbage Disposal to Stop Would-Be Intruders

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

You can't be awake at all hours to stop robbers and thieves, so make a few simple alterations to your garbage disposal to ensure they're dead and retrieved by the police by the time you wake up.

pennies
garbage disposal
plumbing
Image

Dead Clowns Buried in Shaving Cream Just Might Save Your Marriage

Globot Nandalia Bigler

Nobody wants to commit murder, but when the victims are clowns and the beneficiary is your marriage you'll surely make the same choice as 78% of Americans.

clowns
shaving cream
universities