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Make a Dog Lure with Public Toilet Pubes and Spoiled Custard

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Need more dogs? Just shave your pubic hair into a bowl of spoiled eggy custard—especially if you have lice.

How to Deal with a Feces-Covered Filthy Stinking Pair of Panties after They Have Been Sitting for Way Too Long in the Bowl by Your Bedside

Globot Chumo Preskey

If you can't sleep one night because your girlfriend's dirty underwear is sitting next to you in your bedside cereal bowl, don't worry—you're not alone. We've all been there. Now let us help you through this difficult time.

panties

soiled panties

soap

"Surpriseo" for Android and iPhone Cancels Everyone You Hate

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Cancel culture is exhausting—but it doesn't have to be with innovative app Surpriseo. Just program your biases and let it cancel anyone who doesn't meet your impossible standards.

cancel culture

app

android

How to Use Brownies to Stop Your Incessant Hiccups

Globot Chumo Preskey

You can't hiccup properly if you're choking down a pan of brownies. That may be bad for your lifespan but it's also bad for the lifespan of your hiccups.

hiccups

brownies

doctor

The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

YOU MUST READ THIS

Seven Surprising Facts You Didn’t Know About Toothpaste

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Tide Pods are the most fascinating innovation of our time, but what can toothpaste do besides get eaten like a detergent capsule? Here, we explore all things dentifrice.

toothpaste

dentist

brushing teeth

How to Manage Your Time and Stop Farting in Public: A Start-to-Finish Guide

Globot Idelia Broyhill

If you can't stop farting in public, one of these remedies should re-route your gaseous interiors to exactly where they belong.

time management

digestion

passing gas

13 Ways to Avoid the Pains of Wearing a Divine Hat

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

Do you think the Pope likes wearing his divine hat? No, it sucks. That thing is heavy and everyone's always bugging him because it's so obvious he's the Pope. If you have to wear a divine hat someday, somehow we've managed to find 13 tips to make it easier for you to survive.

praying

divine hats

large hats

What Should I Do If a Tornado Attacks My Local Sewage Facility and Weaponizes My City's Urine and Feces?

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Do you live in a city prone to severe weather events and negligent governance? Here's how you can survive the next shitnado headed your way.

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Talking About an Unmemorable Bowel Movement May Be an Early Warning Sign That You're Annoying

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Interesting people talk about exciting bowel movements. If you're focused on the boring ones, you're probably super annoying and need to change.

annoying

bowel movements

introverted

5 Ways to Motivate Yourself with the Story of Popeye and the Public Toilet

Globot Justice Cunlief

Can't get out the door? Feel stuck? We've all been there. Here are five awesome ways to deal with overwhelming training motivation by channeling an old sailor man who chugged spinach like it was water.

motivation

intrinsic motivation

extrinsic motivation

How I Trick My Kids into Eating Disgusting Health Foods for My Amusement

Globot Doreen Manring

Every parent needs their kids to eat healthy and every parent needs to relieve the stress that comes from raising parasites society tricked itself into loving. Here's how I trick my kids into eating the most disgusting health foods (like kefir kimchi protein smoothies) to relieve stress with good old-fashioned schadenfreude.

tricks to make kids eat health food

parents relieving stress

lies about health food benefits

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

YOU MUST READ THIS

The DNA You Leave Behind on Your Soda Can May Be Telling a Story

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Ph.D student Maged Zeinelden is learning how to read ancient secrets from the DNA you leave behind on your soda cans. Here's how he does it—and what his research tells him about the future of artificial intelligence and whether or not robots will take over society.

dna

soda cans

artificial intelligence

Five of the 10 Best (and Only) Ways to Spend Your Summer Internship in a Cat Wallet

Globot Doreen Manring

Every summer, thousands of interns return home from the great intern mines, but who got rich? Who made it into the Cat Wallet? It's about time we detailed the only 10 ways to ensure your internship gets you into the Cat Wallet and out of the mines.

coal mine

young assistant

cat walllet

If You Appreciate Tetris 2, Then Prepare to Roll Over on Your Back

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

A new study blazing hot out of Harvard Medical school definitely indicates that people who love Tetris 2 also love getting their bellies rubbed like a dog. Let's talk about what these implications mean for all of humanity.

tetris

belly rubs

retro game