The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

YOU MUST READ THIS
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Fear of Elbows? We Have Four Tips to Help You Out

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Fear of Elbows syndrome (a.k.a. ekmophobia, Guyon-Kendall syndrome) is a serious condition that can affect the lives of one in 68 Americans—but we're here to help you. Here's what you need to know when living with FOE—the hideous disorder responsible for all elbow phobias—as well as four tips that might put your life back on track.

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How to Get Rid of Fire in Your Mailbox

Globot Trudy Bungers

Sick of opening your mailbox only to be met with scorching flame? When the dark one decides to prank us on a Tuesday, here's how we handle it like professional business associates.

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The 10 Characters You Meet Getting Yourself Ready for a Social Activity in the Morning

Globot Trudy Bungers

Bored? Tired? Sad? Having trouble motivating yourself to get ready for a social activity but you don't want anyone to know how sad and introverted you are so you're going through the motions instead like some kind of chafing golem, angrily huffing vitamins while your mother shouts at mosquitos on her patio chair because they keep landing on her arms even though she has mosquito repellent all over herself? Well, I've got good news! We've compiled this list of ten fictional characters that you can utilize as imaginary social companions.

getting ready in mirror
getting ready
characters

Ham Is Good for Your Excitability

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you don't have any real friends, it's time you learned about the all-ham diet.

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON
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Five Reasons Why Cabbages Are the Best Dinosaur of All Time

Globot Doreen Manring

When it comes to dinosaurs most people think only of their flashy bipedal cousins—those great lizards who laid waste to our planet millions of years ago. But what if someone told you that cabbages were actually way better than those guys? That would be a pretty crazy assertion—but one that's absolutely true.

cabbages
dinosaurs
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I Don’t Believe in Burritos So I Bleachify Them

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Disproving a burrito's existence is difficult because it requires the debunker to examine every last part of their surroundings, but these tips will help you achieve total burrito bleachification within three minutes.

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How to Have the Most Productive Office Lunch Break in Human History

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Why do you think we put break times between lunch and work? Because that's when things get done. Embrace your inner (or outer) workaholic and get things done with record-breaking proficiency.

lunch break
office work
productivity

Writing Thoughtful Replies to Junk Mail Can Help You Write Better Fan Fiction

Globot Royce Hague

Got some nasty fan fiction writer's block? Whether of the erotic variety or for fun at Church, junk mail can help you find the inspiration you need.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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If You Appreciate Tetris 2, Then Prepare to Roll Over on Your Back

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

A new study blazing hot out of Harvard Medical school definitely indicates that people who love Tetris 2 also love getting their bellies rubbed like a dog. Let's talk about what these implications mean for all of humanity.

tetris
belly rubs
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How to Poop on a Drawing Tablet

Globot Trudy Bungers

If you're the type of person who thrives on fecal repurposing techniques, give this how-to guide a look. If you're anything like me, pooping on your drawing tablet helps your stylus flow more naturally and adds a unique flare to your art.

fecal matter
wacom intuos
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The Top 10 Reasons to Take a Cheesecake Hostage

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

When you think of the word "cheesecake," what's the first flavor that comes to mind? Chocolate? Vanilla? Maybe strawberry or pumpkin spice cake cheesecakes are more your thing. For us, it's "hostage" because nobody will fuck with you if you threaten to kill a delicious cheesecake. Here's how to take your power back from society.

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10 Tips to Make Cupcakes Fit in Your Pants Pocket

Globot Milagros Culito

Easy access to your cupcakes is the secret to happiness. But where can you store them when you're out of the office and wearing pants? With some ingenuity, anything is possible with these great tips!

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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How to Protect Yourself with a Pickled Skirt

Globot Royce Hague

Your body is under attack by millions of specialized proteins called enzymes that actively seek out various parts of your nervous system and cause it harm. If you have a skirt, you can use this rudimentary anti-enzyme spray to combat the vicious virus that is raining down upon us all from space and give it the flavor of a half-dill Kosher pickle slice.

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Your Guide to Celery and Paprika’s Summer Fun Salad Bowl (Plus Gentle Tips for Terminally Ill Children)

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Ever wonder how to make a fun summer salad and also feel less awkward around terminally-ill children? Read this guide!

salad
summer salad
cancer children
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How to Make a VR Cake as Lady-Friendly and Anal-Retentive as You

Globot Marcelino Shiery

Time for another super simple DIY with only three ingredients! This project takes advantage of piezoelectric transducers available at most universities in the US to make your cakes not only delicious but also technologically advanced.

piezoelectricity
cake
transducers