When life gives you fire, don't make a torch. Make a business card.

The dark one (Mark Zuckerberg) came for us again this week, in his pre-Human Sacrifice Day Tuesday Prank-a-Thon, but we're not going down without a fight. We've decided to put our status as full-time professionals on the line by making our own business cards with the help of some lighter fluid and some matches. Here's how it's done:

1. Find a nice, sturdy piece of cardboard that you no longer have any use for (like an old box). If you can't find anything suitable, just tear off the back of one of your existing business cards so you have something to work with. You'll want something that's about 3"x5" or larger so you have plenty of space for all your information (or just choose a smaller size if that's all you have).
2. Pour some lighter fluid into a shallow bowl (or just use an empty soda can) and light some matches so they're nice and crispy (otherwise they won't be able to stick to the cardboard).
3. Dip one side of your business card into the lighter fluid and then carefully set it down on a flat surface so only the dipped side touches—just like when you're making those cool 3D movies in school! If there's too much excess fluid dripping off the sides, just wipe it away before setting down your card so it doesn't ruin your hard work with one misguided drip from its uncontrollable tears. Then just wait for about 30 seconds until everything dries up before dipping both sides and repeating this process until all four sides are covered with matches sticking out like little hairs on their heads! (As long as they're not too close together they should catch fire pretty quickly.) When finished, let dry overnight before using in case there are any smudges left over from all that dipping action (we had to do three batches because we got carried away). And voila! You've got yourself some pretty impressive-looking business cards made out of FIRE! Now go out there and impress potential employers with your new superpowers!

Note: This is probably obvious, but don't try doing this inside or anywhere near anything flammable because things tend to get very dangerous very quickly when dealing with fire in general—especially when it comes to pranks involving mailing boxes full of flaming business cards. Also don't leave these outside because cats will eat them if they find them.

This won't stop Mark Zuckerberg from trying to murder you on Wednesdays, but at least you can get a cool business card out of your Tuesdays that might make you too valuable to society to die—kind of like a bank.