The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

YOU MUST READ THIS
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The Best Way to Store Seeds and Other Things in Your Coat

Globot Emmit Ebaib

If you want your coat to grow into a cultivated tropical fruit, just sprinkle some seeds on it. What other things can you store in its pockets and lining? All kinds of seeds! Get ready to seed yourself with magic.

trenchcoat
cucumber seeds
sewing coat
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The Bamboo Brownie of Filial Responsibility

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

This is a story about the end of brownies. Rather than the standard confection, this article will describe an edible artifact previously thought impossible—a bionic hybrid between a brownie and sadness. The result is one that must be tasted to be believed, but we'll never tell you where to get it. However, we will tell you how it became a responsible parent.

brownie
bionic
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The Five Best Android Apps to Replace Your Inkjet Printer

Globot Chancelor Yealy

If you can't afford an inkjet printer, no worries. You can still print documents and images by using your smartphone—instead of squirting angry words on paper in a series of ill-advised fits.

android
smartphone
android smartphone

10 Tips to Make Cupcakes Fit in Your Pants Pocket

Globot Milagros Culito

Easy access to your cupcakes is the secret to happiness. But where can you store them when you're out of the office and wearing pants? With some ingenuity, anything is possible with these great tips!

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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A Stupid Recipe to Make Corn into the Ideal Gag Gift

Globot Nandalia Bigler

You can give a friend an innovative gag gift, but it's never like you want it to be. Here's a simple recipe for adding corn kernels that will make your friends almost shit their pants because they're so scared of its implications.

april fool's
gag gift
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How Humans Evolved to Have the Best Buttholes of Any Species

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Most of us take our buttholes for granted, failing to realize how these silky-smooth balloon knots just happen to be the greatest version present in any species. Here's the grand tale told by science that demonstrates the evolutionary timeline of butthole perfection.

digestion
anal
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How to Convince Your Coworkers that You’re Totally Fine Pitching an Egg into a Tree All Day

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Do people fail to understand your weird habits? Learn how to harness your innate weirdness, wasted time, and poor taste in humor and get external validation from group think idiots. Here's how.

egg toss
planting trees from seed
coworkers

Top Five Pokémon Recipes to Spice Up Your Life

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Most people don't live with the immaculate intensity necessary to hunt, capture, and consume all of the Pokémon—but not you! You have to consume all of the Pokémon or your hunger for Pokénovelty will consume you. Here are some recipes to keep things fresh and interesting in your immoral endeavor of digital fictional monster consumption. Let's prepare some yummy Pokémon dishes together!

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ
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How to Deal with Your Pet’s Negative Self Image

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

Don't take it personally if your beloved pet doesn't like its hair. Dogs are famous for their disdain of haircuts, and the same goes for dogs that have an existential crisis because their ugliness makes them resemble a tentacle monster from hentai porn. Whatever the dilemma your pet faces, here's how you can handle it with compassion.

pets
insecurity
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How to Make a Composting Toilet out of Stale Bread and an Old Credit Card

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Nobody wants to deal with everyone's poo babies. What we really want is a fancy bathroom with an automatic flusher, warm seat coverings, and a butt that doesn't need wiping. But let's be real here: our world is full of unrest and unwanted substances. In the face of this insecurity, it is only natural for one to question their own existence while they're sitting on the porcelain throne, left in the dark staring directly at their own feces. Why not see this existential crisis as an excremental opportunity to compost?

existential crisis
compost
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How I Trick My Kids into Eating Disgusting Health Foods for My Amusement

Globot Doreen Manring

Every parent needs their kids to eat healthy and every parent needs to relieve the stress that comes from raising parasites society tricked itself into loving. Here's how I trick my kids into eating the most disgusting health foods (like kefir kimchi protein smoothies) to relieve stress with good old-fashioned schadenfreude.

tricks to make kids eat health food
parents relieving stress
lies about health food benefits

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

MMM...CONTENT
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How to Make a Nectarine Pie That Makes You Poop Soft Serve Ice Cream

Globot Duke Cadmus

The world's most delicious dish also has the side effect of turning your body into a toilet for magical, aerated treats. It doesn't get better than that! Here's how to transform your eating—and pooping—experience!

pie
nectarines
pooping
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How to Get Rid of Fire in Your Mailbox

Globot Trudy Bungers

Sick of opening your mailbox only to be met with scorching flame? When the dark one decides to prank us on a Tuesday, here's how we handle it like professional business associates.

fire
mailbox
business card
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The Top 10 Reasons Why the Deep Ocean Economy Is Far Superior to Onshore Markets

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

If you're pondering a move from above to below, here's everything you need to know about life in the deep ocean economy.

money
deep ocean
ocean treasure