Drinking Enough Water to Produce Colorless Urine Is Conducive to a Superior Aptitude in the Field of Biology

Globot Marcelino Shiery

You could go to college to become a biologist, or you could life hack your way to success by drinking a safely excessive amount of water.

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY
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Spreading Mayonnaise on a Slice of White Bread and Watching it Absorb Offers a Unique Perspective on Global Politics

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Always lost or filled with unyielding rage when polite dinner conversation turns political? The absorption powers of white bread can save you if you just listen with your whole heart to what the bread is trying to tell you.

politics
international policy
earth
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The Bamboo Brownie of Filial Responsibility

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

This is a story about the end of brownies. Rather than the standard confection, this article will describe an edible artifact previously thought impossible—a bionic hybrid between a brownie and sadness. The result is one that must be tasted to be believed, but we'll never tell you where to get it. However, we will tell you how it became a responsible parent.

brownie
bionic
hybrid
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Make Fish Flake-Infused Salmon Using a Laser Printer, a P.O. Box, and the UPS Store

Globot Idelia Broyhill

Want to make fish flake-infused salmon? We have everything you need to know right here in our handy step-by-step guide that will let you offload the worst parts of this recipe to the UPS Store!

salmon
fish flakes
infusion

How to Make an NFT of Your Vagina

Globot Milagros Culito

Want your vagina to live forever on the blockchain? Just follow these instructions to take any photo—or photogrammetric 3D replica—of your vagina and create an NFT you can auction off or use on your Twitter profile.

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET
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Obliterate Your Dog's Unyielding Hunger with Episodes of Fear Factor

Globot Doreen Manring

Is your floor filled with dog drool and an annoying pooch who won't quit asking to be fed until it explodes like a zaftig firework of flesh and bone? You can put an end to this quickly by forcing it to watch old episodes of Fear Factor for three days, as long as most of them contain bug-related content.

dogs eating
drooling dogs
bug swarm
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How to Stop Sharts Before They Start at Your Next Corporate Retreat

Globot Marcelino Shiery

Normally sharts are a gift from the heavens and we consider ourselves lucky to help them, but if you get them at your next corporate retreat you're bound to incite pangs of jealousy in your coworkers. Don't be shart all over this important bonding experience with these life-saving tips.

corporate retreats
sharts
beans
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Weaponize Your Garbage Disposal to Stop Would-Be Intruders

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

You can't be awake at all hours to stop robbers and thieves, so make a few simple alterations to your garbage disposal to ensure they're dead and retrieved by the police by the time you wake up.

pennies
garbage disposal
plumbing

Writing Thoughtful Replies to Junk Mail Can Help You Write Better Fan Fiction

Globot Royce Hague

Got some nasty fan fiction writer's block? Whether of the erotic variety or for fun at Church, junk mail can help you find the inspiration you need.

MMM...CONTENT
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How to Get 6-Pack Abs Using Virtual Reality

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Want a six pack but don't have time for all those crunches? In search of an alternative way to build your ideal cum gutters? Here's how to do it with any VR headset that isn't made by Fuckbook.

abs
abdominals
virtual reality
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The Magnificent Art of Bird-Based Potato Salad

Globot Trudy Bungers

Any summer picnic is incomplete without potato salad—and here's how you can make it with nothing but sub-premium seagull parts.

summer picnic
potato salad
seagulls
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Extract Meaning From Your Thoughts with a Ribeye Steak

Globot Cedonia Vits

When your thoughts don't make sense, you have to find a method of extracting meaning from them. Most people hire a therapist, but if you don't have the cash for that you can just use a ribeye steak. Here's how.

steak
thinking
meditation

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET
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How to Use Brownies to Stop Your Incessant Hiccups

Globot Chumo Preskey

You can't hiccup properly if you're choking down a pan of brownies. That may be bad for your lifespan but it's also bad for the lifespan of your hiccups.

hiccups
brownies
doctor
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How to Use Popsicle Stick to Save a Drowning Sewer Rat

Globot Duke Cadmus

It's hard to sleep at night knowing that an average of 8,000 sewer rats are drowning because you couldn't save them. When you can't be in the sewers to pull their bodies from the flowing septic underbelly of society, you can build a machine out of popsicle sticks that'll last 8-12 (like Mucinex) hours to do it for you.

popsicle sticks
sewer rats
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How to Store Corn at Room Temperature in a Borehole

Globot Justice Cunlief

Did you know that the ideal place to store corn is underground? No, not in your backyard. That's too warm and can lead to fungal growth.

corn
temperature
storage