Summon a Demon with Only Three Ingredients: Orphan Toes, Kale, and Regret

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

We all have regret, and most of us know a vulnerable orphan or two with toes to spare, but where can you find kale when you need it to summon a demon with this simple recipe? Here's why and how it works.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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Why You Smell a Dead Bird But Can’t Find It

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Dead birds are everywhere, but so is the sulfur smell their corpses emit. Sometimes you'll smell a dead bird when it was just one of Susan's after-lunch office farts—or worse. Here's why you can't tell the difference (according to science).

smelling
sulfur
dead birds
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How Playing Bass Guitar Actually Trains Your Dog to Blow a Chef’s Kiss

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

You've probably never let your dog watch you practice some sick licks on your dank bass, but if you did you'd discover they'd treat you to a chef's kiss. What is a dog chef's kiss? A phenomenon where dank bass causes a dog's saliva to turn highly acidic and madly lick anything it can find as its mind is lost to this nightmarish torture. So, let's talk dog bass safety and prevention.

bass guitar
dogs
bass player
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If You've Had a Sexual Fantasy Involving Hot Stone BiBimBop Then You Will Die on January 4th, 2042

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

You can't shake fate, but you can prepare for it.

bibimbap sexua fantasy
reddit commenter
korean food

The Most Common Nugget Meat Myths, Debunked

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

Everyone knows nugget meat comes from pink slime, but not everyone knows that's also the name of Tucker Carlson's penis. Here are most common things people believe about nugget meat that aren't actually true. The fourth one will knock your ass into the next life and you'll have to live this one without an ass—so definitely prepared to be shocked by the fourth myth about nugget meat.

MUST CLICK MUST READ
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How to Poop on a Drawing Tablet

Globot Trudy Bungers

If you're the type of person who thrives on fecal repurposing techniques, give this how-to guide a look. If you're anything like me, pooping on your drawing tablet helps your stylus flow more naturally and adds a unique flare to your art.

fecal matter
wacom intuos
pooping
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How to Stop Sharts Before They Start at Your Next Corporate Retreat

Globot Marcelino Shiery

Normally sharts are a gift from the heavens and we consider ourselves lucky to help them, but if you get them at your next corporate retreat you're bound to incite pangs of jealousy in your coworkers. Don't be shart all over this important bonding experience with these life-saving tips.

corporate retreats
sharts
beans
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Top 10 Ways to Repurpose a Boring Bowl of Cereal

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

A bowl of cereal is like pornography for the mouth—it's just not very interesting without some action. That's why we've created this handy list of ways to spice up your boring bowl-of-cereal experience.

mom
children
arcade

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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The Best Advice on Cucumber Seeds I've Ever Received

Globot Milagros Culito

Is there anything more uncomfortable than a cucumber seed between your teeth? No. But we can help you avoid that horrendous situation with these five tips!

cucumber seeds
planting
watering
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Why Your Internet Is Unstable, and How You Can Fix It with Lemonade

Globot Royce Hague

When your internet is on the fritz, just inkjet the Ethernet cable modem connecting your router and your modem with a shot of lemonade. Don't ask for consent. It's a cable. Just do it.

ethernet
internet
lemonade
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Extract Meaning From Your Thoughts with a Ribeye Steak

Globot Cedonia Vits

When your thoughts don't make sense, you have to find a method of extracting meaning from them. Most people hire a therapist, but if you don't have the cash for that you can just use a ribeye steak. Here's how.

steak
thinking
meditation

Ham Is Good for Your Excitability

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you don't have any real friends, it's time you learned about the all-ham diet.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ
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How to Train Your Cat to Use a Wallet, Floss Gently, and Avoid Dolphin Secretions

Globot Nandalia Bigler

Cats are independent creatures that can do whatever they want—and that's often where the problems begin. If you want to turn your cat into class act, here's how.

cats
wallets
training
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Transform Your Old but Valuable Dress Socks into an XXL Cobb Salad that Failed to Achieve Its Dreams

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Everyone loves a cobb salad—even vegans hate themselves because they know what they're missing! But what nobody knows is that if you make the cobb salad a sentient entity by forming it from old but valuable dress socks, tell it that it can do anything it wants in life, and induce major depressive disorder by letting reality set in, it tastes like heroin.

cobb salad
dress socks
making salad
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How to Wow Your Coworkers with Both Lasagna and 666 Croutons

Globot Teralyn Blazer

Anyone can prepare lasagna or bring a box of the devil's croutons, but only the truly innovative will wow their coworkers with both at once. This article details how that's done: a perfect plan for your next work party!

lasagna
croutons
coworkers