Top Five Pokémon Recipes to Spice Up Your Life

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Most people don't live with the immaculate intensity necessary to hunt, capture, and consume all of the Pokémon—but not you! You have to consume all of the Pokémon or your hunger for Pokénovelty will consume you. Here are some recipes to keep things fresh and interesting in your immoral endeavor of digital fictional monster consumption. Let's prepare some yummy Pokémon dishes together!

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Science Explains Why You're a Stupid Dumb

Globot Emmit Ebaib

You've always known you're an idiot. Thanks to science, now you can know why.

idiots

intelligence

stupidity

How to Convince Your Coworkers that You’re Totally Fine Pitching an Egg into a Tree All Day

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Do people fail to understand your weird habits? Learn how to harness your innate weirdness, wasted time, and poor taste in humor and get external validation from group think idiots. Here's how.

egg toss

planting trees from seed

coworkers

How to Start a Relationship with a Chatbot

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

Human relationships aren't for everyone. Some people prefer to be alone. However, there's a third option: a virtual companion that lives on your smartphone with an app called Replika.

breakup

internet chat

personal relationships

I Lived in a Cave and Now My Body Is Full of Gold

Globot Justice Cunlief

How can you live like the Neanderthals if today's fancy technology keeps getting in your way? Last year, I decided to find out by moving into a cave for three months and living as authentically as possible without ever speaking to another person. This is how it went. Spoiler alert: I'm a gold mine!

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON

How Humans Evolved to Have the Best Buttholes of Any Species

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Most of us take our buttholes for granted, failing to realize how these silky-smooth balloon knots just happen to be the greatest version present in any species. Here's the grand tale told by science that demonstrates the evolutionary timeline of butthole perfection.

digestion

anal

butt butts

If You've Had a Sexual Fantasy Involving Hot Stone BiBimBop Then You Will Die on January 4th, 2042

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

You can't shake fate, but you can prepare for it.

bibimbap sexua fantasy

reddit commenter

korean food

Innovative iPhone App "MyOpinionFarter" Automatically Disagrees With Everything on Twitter

Globot Trudy Bungers

You don't have time to disagree on Twitter. Leave MyOpinionFarter open on your Android or iPhone and let it handle Twitter for you.

myopinionfarter

automatically disagrees with everything on twitter

android

Transform the Ceaseless Pain of Existence into a Flavorful Parfait

Globot Teralyn Blazer

Life is terrible, right? It's just pain until it finally ends and even that's painful and scary. Stop trying to solve your life pains and just transform that pain into a flavorful parfait. Here's how.

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Fashion a Makeshift Flute Using a Pile of Old Fast Food Wrappers

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

If your childhood dream of becoming a flautist was destroyed by poverty, here's your sweet revenge: you can create your own flute out of a pile of fast food wrappers and make first chair in under eight months. That's less time than making a baby!

fast food wrappers

flute

makeshift

How to Protect Yourself with a Pickled Skirt

Globot Royce Hague

Your body is under attack by millions of specialized proteins called enzymes that actively seek out various parts of your nervous system and cause it harm. If you have a skirt, you can use this rudimentary anti-enzyme spray to combat the vicious virus that is raining down upon us all from space and give it the flavor of a half-dill Kosher pickle slice.

outer space

skirts

pickles

Five Reasons Why Cabbages Are the Best Dinosaur of All Time

Globot Doreen Manring

When it comes to dinosaurs most people think only of their flashy bipedal cousins—those great lizards who laid waste to our planet millions of years ago. But what if someone told you that cabbages were actually way better than those guys? That would be a pretty crazy assertion—but one that's absolutely true.

cabbages

dinosaurs

mesozoic era

Ham Is Good for Your Excitability

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you don't have any real friends, it's time you learned about the all-ham diet.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ

A Beginner's Guide to Creating Synthetic Horse Nipples

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

Everyone wants synthetic horse nipples but only Jeff Bezos can afford them—until now. Let's take a look at how you can make your own Bezos-Grade Synthetic Horse Nipples using a ionizing foot bath and gremlin tears.

horse nipples

nipple cupcake

gremlin tears

Disinfecting Stale Cardboard Boxes May Help Explain a Centuries-Old Mystery of the Cosmos

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Everything came from the universe: including cardboard boxes and disinfectants. Let's break it down and find out how to uncover the origins of everything with only these two common products.

big bang

universe

origins

How to Generate Passive Income from Your Children's Artwork

Globot Chancelor Yealy

If it's not too late! You can still sell your kids' art for millions of dollars and retire on a yacht. Until then, all you need is paint thinner and a pillow case full of lint.

children

artwork

passive income