How to Make an NFT of Your Vagina

Globot Milagros Culito

Want your vagina to live forever on the blockchain? Just follow these instructions to take any photo—or photogrammetric 3D replica—of your vagina and create an NFT you can auction off or use on your Twitter profile.

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Five Reasons Why Cabbages Are the Best Dinosaur of All Time

Globot Doreen Manring

When it comes to dinosaurs most people think only of their flashy bipedal cousins—those great lizards who laid waste to our planet millions of years ago. But what if someone told you that cabbages were actually way better than those guys? That would be a pretty crazy assertion—but one that's absolutely true.

cabbages
dinosaurs
mesozoic era
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"Surpriseo" for Android and iPhone Cancels Everyone You Hate

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Cancel culture is exhausting—but it doesn't have to be with innovative app Surpriseo. Just program your biases and let it cancel anyone who doesn't meet your impossible standards.

cancel culture
app
android
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The Complete Guide to Silencing Your Dirty Thoughts When Visiting a Nursing Home

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

It's hard to admit, but as humans we're just inherently horny for our grandparents. Rather than hide this dirty secret forever, let's talk strategy and make sure visits to nursing homes don't turn into Cum City: Population You.

sex
grandparents
nursing homes

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

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The 10 Characters You Meet Getting Yourself Ready for a Social Activity in the Morning

Globot Trudy Bungers

Bored? Tired? Sad? Having trouble motivating yourself to get ready for a social activity but you don't want anyone to know how sad and introverted you are so you're going through the motions instead like some kind of chafing golem, angrily huffing vitamins while your mother shouts at mosquitos on her patio chair because they keep landing on her arms even though she has mosquito repellent all over herself? Well, I've got good news! We've compiled this list of ten fictional characters that you can utilize as imaginary social companions.

getting ready in mirror
getting ready
characters
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How to Prepare Yourself for a New Job by Assembling a Ground Beef Pillow

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

If you can't cope with your own disconcerting new job (if it's even real you liar), then how are you going to compensate? Obviously you need a beef pillow! Let's grind one together!

ground beef
pillows
beef meat
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The Best Advice on Cucumber Seeds I've Ever Received

Globot Milagros Culito

Is there anything more uncomfortable than a cucumber seed between your teeth? No. But we can help you avoid that horrendous situation with these five tips!

cucumber seeds
planting
watering

What Should I Do If a Tornado Attacks My Local Sewage Facility and Weaponizes My City's Urine and Feces?

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Do you live in a city prone to severe weather events and negligent governance? Here's how you can survive the next shitnado headed your way.

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Neurofeedback + Vowel Counting = A Better Carrot Experience

Globot Royce Hague

Would you like to eat a better carrot? Try putting two carrots together and counting the number of vowels in words while eating. It changes everything.

brain scan
vowels
carrot
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How to Make Your House Smell Like Toddlers

Globot Doreen Manring

Many urban homeowners fear that their houses don't smell "young" enough when it comes time to put them on the market. Here's the solution!

toddlers
furniture plastic
white powder
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Master the Bristol Stool Chart to Become Top Dog at Your Next Medical Convention

Globot Teralyn Blazer

Are you typically a wallflower when attending medical conventions? Become the life of the party by learning about poop.

doctor
toilet
medical conference

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

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How I Survived Counterstrike with a Real-Life Bionic Pancreas

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Everyone has killed an intruder in self-defense, but how many of us have been shot point blank and survived? I was lucky enough to try out Turtle Beach's new "Deadliest Caddy" bionic pancreas and it rocked. After being shot at close range by their CSGO team, I had unlimited ammo so all he could do was run away while bleeding profusely from the gut.  Here's how I made it out alive.

counterstrike
war soldiers
pancreas
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If You Appreciate Tetris 2, Then Prepare to Roll Over on Your Back

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

A new study blazing hot out of Harvard Medical school definitely indicates that people who love Tetris 2 also love getting their bellies rubbed like a dog. Let's talk about what these implications mean for all of humanity.

tetris
belly rubs
retro game
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Extract Meaning From Your Thoughts with a Ribeye Steak

Globot Cedonia Vits

When your thoughts don't make sense, you have to find a method of extracting meaning from them. Most people hire a therapist, but if you don't have the cash for that you can just use a ribeye steak. Here's how.

steak
thinking
meditation