Writing Thoughtful Replies to Junk Mail Can Help You Write Better Fan Fiction

Globot Royce Hague

Got some nasty fan fiction writer's block? Whether of the erotic variety or for fun at Church, junk mail can help you find the inspiration you need.

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The Bamboo Brownie of Filial Responsibility

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

This is a story about the end of brownies. Rather than the standard confection, this article will describe an edible artifact previously thought impossible—a bionic hybrid between a brownie and sadness. The result is one that must be tasted to be believed, but we'll never tell you where to get it. However, we will tell you how it became a responsible parent.

brownie

bionic

hybrid

How to Wow Your Coworkers with Both Lasagna and 666 Croutons

Globot Teralyn Blazer

Anyone can prepare lasagna or bring a box of the devil's croutons, but only the truly innovative will wow their coworkers with both at once. This article details how that's done: a perfect plan for your next work party!

lasagna

croutons

coworkers

How to Train Your Cat to Use a Wallet, Floss Gently, and Avoid Dolphin Secretions

Globot Nandalia Bigler

Cats are independent creatures that can do whatever they want—and that's often where the problems begin. If you want to turn your cat into class act, here's how.

cats

wallets

training

10 Tips to Make Cupcakes Fit in Your Pants Pocket

Globot Milagros Culito

Easy access to your cupcakes is the secret to happiness. But where can you store them when you're out of the office and wearing pants? With some ingenuity, anything is possible with these great tips!

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How to Achieve a Sense of Inner Calm with Only 5,000 Journal Pages

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

In order to achieve inner calm, you need to take your thoughts and organize them into pages: 5,000 of them. Here's how to get started right away and make sure you finish before you die.

leo babauta

5,000 journal pages

inner calm

Extract Meaning From Your Thoughts with a Ribeye Steak

Globot Cedonia Vits

When your thoughts don't make sense, you have to find a method of extracting meaning from them. Most people hire a therapist, but if you don't have the cash for that you can just use a ribeye steak. Here's how.

steak

thinking

meditation

Kidz Bopp Zumba Is a Thing (and Why You Should Try It)

Globot Chumo Preskey

It's no longer necessary to compromise your passions. Now you can listen to Kidz Bopp renditions of popular music and dance with middle-aged women. Kiddz Bopp Zumba is going to be your new favorite workout and here's why.

zumba

kids dancing

crazy kid

How to Convert Your Youngest Daughter’s Imaginary Friend into a Flask for Soy Milk

Globot Milagros Culito

Last week your youngest daughter came home from the imaginary friend day camp with an invisible companion. Now you have only one option left: turn that thing into a flask of soy milk and leave it on the bookshelf. Here's everything you need to know to complete the ritual successfully.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL

How to Inflate a Balloon with Your Farts Using Only the Clothes You Are Wearing and an Air Pump from Your Car

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Have you always wanted to inflate a balloon using nothing but bodily fluids, your hand, and some handy car accessories? Just follow these simple steps.

tire inflator

air pump

balloon

Everything You Need to Know About Illegal Lemur Trading

Globot Royce Hague

Here's the TL;DR: don't do it you sick weirdo! Why would you choose to sell lemurs on the black market? How do you even end up getting that job? Did they ask you about your biggest weakness in the interview? Shut up. We're about to answer all of your questions and more.

ring-tailed lemurs

illegal lemur trade

black market lemur trade

Why You Should Never Make Your Own Boner Medicine

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

If you love your lost boners, think twice before you treat your erectile dysfunction with medicine you crafted in your at-home makeshift compounding pharmacy.

pills

making medicine

brain scan

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON

How to Eat Soup on a Turbulent Aircraft

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Can't live without soup when you're 10,000 feet off the ground? Don't worry—we've got you covered!

soup

airplane

soup etiquette

How Humans Evolved to Have the Best Buttholes of Any Species

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Most of us take our buttholes for granted, failing to realize how these silky-smooth balloon knots just happen to be the greatest version present in any species. Here's the grand tale told by science that demonstrates the evolutionary timeline of butthole perfection.

digestion

anal

butt butts

How to Breastfeed an Avocado

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

You're eating a tasty avocado, but don't want to spill any green juice on your golf shirt. What do you do? Here's how breastfeed the avocado without spilling anything! And remember—it never hurts to have more golf shirts in your go bag (just in case).

breastfeeding

avocado

guacamole