Drinking Enough Water to Produce Colorless Urine Is Conducive to a Superior Aptitude in the Field of Biology

Globot Marcelino Shiery

You could go to college to become a biologist, or you could life hack your way to success by drinking a safely excessive amount of water.

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A Mother’s Day Primer for Fixing Your Disappointing Offspring

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

Instead of going out to brunch, why not help your disappointing offspring realize that it doesn't have to become an astronaut or pro chef in order to succeed? That's what you really want as a mother: children who don't suck. Let's make it happen for you, gurl!

motherhood
mother's day
math
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Why You Smell a Dead Bird But Can’t Find It

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Dead birds are everywhere, but so is the sulfur smell their corpses emit. Sometimes you'll smell a dead bird when it was just one of Susan's after-lunch office farts—or worse. Here's why you can't tell the difference (according to science).

smelling
sulfur
dead birds
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Transform Your Old but Valuable Dress Socks into an XXL Cobb Salad that Failed to Achieve Its Dreams

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Everyone loves a cobb salad—even vegans hate themselves because they know what they're missing! But what nobody knows is that if you make the cobb salad a sentient entity by forming it from old but valuable dress socks, tell it that it can do anything it wants in life, and induce major depressive disorder by letting reality set in, it tastes like heroin.

cobb salad
dress socks
making salad

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

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You Don't Need to Buy Expensive Shampoo

Globot Justice Cunlief

Want your hair to smell like pea soup? Here's how you can make your own shampoo and infuse it with fun and exotic scents!

all
natural
homemade shampoo
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How to Crack the Code of Your Motorcycle

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Have you ever found yourself in a dark, lonely parking lot and ran your hand over something that you hoped would be your motorcycle but was actually just an empty space? Motorcycles are mysterious creatures and few know how to crack their code. However, we, the few, are here to help.

motorcycles
decipher
secret code
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How to Play Professional Guitar Licks in Space

Globot Chumo Preskey

Have you always wanted to play guitar in space but don't know how to get to space or create sound in a cold, unforgiving vacuum devoid of life? We've got you covered with all the solution-oriented information you desire.

guitar
outer space
guitar astronaut

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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A Mix Tape of Silence Is Guaranteed to Make You More Interesting at the Office

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

You're boring. It's best if you just shut up and stop talking and play a tape of silence instead. Here's how to do it.

silence
focus
work
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If You've Had a Sexual Fantasy Involving Hot Stone BiBimBop Then You Will Die on January 4th, 2042

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

You can't shake fate, but you can prepare for it.

bibimbap sexua fantasy
reddit commenter
korean food
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Gently-Soaped Tilapia Doubles as a Makeshift Toilet Sponge

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Stop ruining your toilet's enamel by cleaning it with a pumice stone. Just soak some tilapia and go to town instead!

tilapia
toilet
pumice stone

Ham Is Good for Your Excitability

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you don't have any real friends, it's time you learned about the all-ham diet.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ
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Mark Zuckerberg's Weekly Human Sacrifice: Explained

Globot Chumo Preskey

Every Wednesday, Mark Zuckerberg makes a human sacrifice to prevent the inevitable death and destruction that is due upon humanity for the creation of Fuckbook. We may hate it and fear the day our lot is puled, but here are some helpful tips to try and live a happy and productive life while constantly under the spectre of death.

mark zuckerberg
human sacrifice
fuckbook
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Repurpose Your Old Scanner as a True Crime Detective on the Internet

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

With the popularity of true crime and the ability to make technology sentient, you're basically a moron if you don't turn your old scanner into a True Crime Detective (TCD). It's so easy it's criminal and you might have to use it to investigate yourself for making such an awesome detective that will even catch the killer's mother.

detective
scanner
true crime
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Neurofeedback + Vowel Counting = A Better Carrot Experience

Globot Royce Hague

Would you like to eat a better carrot? Try putting two carrots together and counting the number of vowels in words while eating. It changes everything.

brain scan
vowels
carrot