Make a Dog Lure with Public Toilet Pubes and Spoiled Custard

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Need more dogs? Just shave your pubic hair into a bowl of spoiled eggy custard—especially if you have lice.

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How to Organize Your Mechanical Keyboard When It's Full of BS

Globot Idelia Broyhill

Is your mechanical keyboard clogged with crumbs and bullshit filings? Don't worry, we've got you covered.

mechanical keyboard
reddit
keyboard cleaning
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A Beginner's Guide to Creating Synthetic Horse Nipples

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

Everyone wants synthetic horse nipples but only Jeff Bezos can afford them—until now. Let's take a look at how you can make your own Bezos-Grade Synthetic Horse Nipples using a ionizing foot bath and gremlin tears.

horse nipples
nipple cupcake
gremlin tears
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Why You Should Never Make Your Own Boner Medicine

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

If you love your lost boners, think twice before you treat your erectile dysfunction with medicine you crafted in your at-home makeshift compounding pharmacy.

pills
making medicine
brain scan

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

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How to Make a Loaf of Bread that Will Never Become Anything

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

This article teaches you how to prepare a loaf of bread so pure and white, it shall never become anything. It is perfect the way it is: nonexistent.

loaf of bread
bread dough
baking bread
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7 Ways to Upgrade Your Dog's Vestibular System

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Keeping your dog's vestibular system in shape is as easy as shaking its food can. Here are our top tips on vestibular pooch perfection.

vestibular system
balance
ear
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How to Celebrate with a Type III Diabetes Didgeridoo Cupcake that was Emotionally Scarred by an Overbearing Mother

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

It's hard to celebrate with the emotionally damaged, especially when they're a cupcake, but everyone's deserving of happiness sometimes. Here's how to make it work.

cupcakes
didgeridoo
diabetes

Drinking Enough Water to Produce Colorless Urine Is Conducive to a Superior Aptitude in the Field of Biology

Globot Marcelino Shiery

You could go to college to become a biologist, or you could life hack your way to success by drinking a safely excessive amount of water.

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Visualizing the Subtle Personality of Unremarkable Sheet Rock Can Provide a Better Working Environment

Globot Cedonia Vits

Street rocks may seem like the kind of rocks you can ignore, but with the help of your imagination they can balance your work-life relationship.

interior design
rocks
work balance
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Neurofeedback + Vowel Counting = A Better Carrot Experience

Globot Royce Hague

Would you like to eat a better carrot? Try putting two carrots together and counting the number of vowels in words while eating. It changes everything.

brain scan
vowels
carrot
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Obliterate Your Dog's Unyielding Hunger with Episodes of Fear Factor

Globot Doreen Manring

Is your floor filled with dog drool and an annoying pooch who won't quit asking to be fed until it explodes like a zaftig firework of flesh and bone? You can put an end to this quickly by forcing it to watch old episodes of Fear Factor for three days, as long as most of them contain bug-related content.

dogs eating
drooling dogs
bug swarm

Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

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The Best Donuts to Throw at People You Hate

Globot Cedonia Vits

You've got an enemy. Maybe that enemy deserves a good pie in the face but you're out of pies. Fortunately you've got some donuts in your kitchen and those should work just as well. Here are our top five donuts for throwing at people you hate.

donuts
throwing
at people
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How to Achieve a Sense of Inner Calm with Only 5,000 Journal Pages

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

In order to achieve inner calm, you need to take your thoughts and organize them into pages: 5,000 of them. Here's how to get started right away and make sure you finish before you die.

leo babauta
5,000 journal pages
inner calm
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How to Eat Soup on a Turbulent Aircraft

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Can't live without soup when you're 10,000 feet off the ground? Don't worry—we've got you covered!

soup
airplane
soup etiquette