Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY
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Everything You Need to Know About Illegal Lemur Trading

Globot Royce Hague

Here's the TL;DR: don't do it you sick weirdo! Why would you choose to sell lemurs on the black market? How do you even end up getting that job? Did they ask you about your biggest weakness in the interview? Shut up. We're about to answer all of your questions and more.

ring-tailed lemurs
illegal lemur trade
black market lemur trade
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The Magnificent Art of Bird-Based Potato Salad

Globot Trudy Bungers

Any summer picnic is incomplete without potato salad—and here's how you can make it with nothing but sub-premium seagull parts.

summer picnic
potato salad
seagulls
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A Beginner's Guide to Creating Synthetic Horse Nipples

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

Everyone wants synthetic horse nipples but only Jeff Bezos can afford them—until now. Let's take a look at how you can make your own Bezos-Grade Synthetic Horse Nipples using a ionizing foot bath and gremlin tears.

horse nipples
nipple cupcake
gremlin tears

The Top 10 Ways to Upgrade Daddy's Bathtub

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Is your bathtub not smart enough? Does it tell too many dad jokes? Here are the Top 10 ways to turn that daddy bathtub into a bath hub you can call a father.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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Disinfecting Stale Cardboard Boxes May Help Explain a Centuries-Old Mystery of the Cosmos

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Everything came from the universe: including cardboard boxes and disinfectants. Let's break it down and find out how to uncover the origins of everything with only these two common products.

big bang
universe
origins
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How to Crack the Code of Your Motorcycle

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Have you ever found yourself in a dark, lonely parking lot and ran your hand over something that you hoped would be your motorcycle but was actually just an empty space? Motorcycles are mysterious creatures and few know how to crack their code. However, we, the few, are here to help.

motorcycles
decipher
secret code
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If You've Had a Sexual Fantasy Involving Hot Stone BiBimBop Then You Will Die on January 4th, 2042

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

You can't shake fate, but you can prepare for it.

bibimbap sexua fantasy
reddit commenter
korean food

Ham Is Good for Your Excitability

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you don't have any real friends, it's time you learned about the all-ham diet.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ
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The Five Best Android Apps to Replace Your Inkjet Printer

Globot Chancelor Yealy

If you can't afford an inkjet printer, no worries. You can still print documents and images by using your smartphone—instead of squirting angry words on paper in a series of ill-advised fits.

android
smartphone
android smartphone
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The Best DIY Lunch Meat Tips and Tricks for Prettier Toes

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

With you've got ugly toes of TILFS (Toes I'd Like to Fuck), you can up your sexy toe game with these novel alternative uses for lunch meat.

lunch meat
toes
foot soak
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How to Achieve a Sense of Inner Calm with Only 5,000 Journal Pages

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

In order to achieve inner calm, you need to take your thoughts and organize them into pages: 5,000 of them. Here's how to get started right away and make sure you finish before you die.

leo babauta
5,000 journal pages
inner calm

Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON
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A Mix Tape of Silence Is Guaranteed to Make You More Interesting at the Office

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

You're boring. It's best if you just shut up and stop talking and play a tape of silence instead. Here's how to do it.

silence
focus
work
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The Best Advice on Cucumber Seeds I've Ever Received

Globot Milagros Culito

Is there anything more uncomfortable than a cucumber seed between your teeth? No. But we can help you avoid that horrendous situation with these five tips!

cucumber seeds
planting
watering
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The 10 Characters You Meet Getting Yourself Ready for a Social Activity in the Morning

Globot Trudy Bungers

Bored? Tired? Sad? Having trouble motivating yourself to get ready for a social activity but you don't want anyone to know how sad and introverted you are so you're going through the motions instead like some kind of chafing golem, angrily huffing vitamins while your mother shouts at mosquitos on her patio chair because they keep landing on her arms even though she has mosquito repellent all over herself? Well, I've got good news! We've compiled this list of ten fictional characters that you can utilize as imaginary social companions.

getting ready in mirror
getting ready
characters