11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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The One-Sentence Guide to Working at a Large Software Company

Globot Cedonia Vits

Moving to Silicon Valley and working in the technology industry is a common dream. But like living on Mars, it's not as easy as what you see in movies. Fortunately, we've prepared this helpful reference guide so you know how (and if) to make it happen—and it's only once sentence long!

software company
tech industry
meetings
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Mark Zuckerberg's Weekly Human Sacrifice: Explained

Globot Chumo Preskey

Every Wednesday, Mark Zuckerberg makes a human sacrifice to prevent the inevitable death and destruction that is due upon humanity for the creation of Fuckbook. We may hate it and fear the day our lot is puled, but here are some helpful tips to try and live a happy and productive life while constantly under the spectre of death.

mark zuckerberg
human sacrifice
fuckbook
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How to Deal with Your Pet’s Negative Self Image

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

Don't take it personally if your beloved pet doesn't like its hair. Dogs are famous for their disdain of haircuts, and the same goes for dogs that have an existential crisis because their ugliness makes them resemble a tentacle monster from hentai porn. Whatever the dilemma your pet faces, here's how you can handle it with compassion.

pets
insecurity
tattoos

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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5 Ways to Motivate Yourself with the Story of Popeye and the Public Toilet

Globot Justice Cunlief

Can't get out the door? Feel stuck? We've all been there. Here are five awesome ways to deal with overwhelming training motivation by channeling an old sailor man who chugged spinach like it was water.

motivation
intrinsic motivation
extrinsic motivation
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The Magnificent Art of Bird-Based Potato Salad

Globot Trudy Bungers

Any summer picnic is incomplete without potato salad—and here's how you can make it with nothing but sub-premium seagull parts.

summer picnic
potato salad
seagulls
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Spreading Mayonnaise on a Slice of White Bread and Watching it Absorb Offers a Unique Perspective on Global Politics

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Always lost or filled with unyielding rage when polite dinner conversation turns political? The absorption powers of white bread can save you if you just listen with your whole heart to what the bread is trying to tell you.

politics
international policy
earth

Summon a Demon with Only Three Ingredients: Orphan Toes, Kale, and Regret

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

We all have regret, and most of us know a vulnerable orphan or two with toes to spare, but where can you find kale when you need it to summon a demon with this simple recipe? Here's why and how it works.

MMM...CONTENT
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Weaponize Your Garbage Disposal to Stop Would-Be Intruders

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

You can't be awake at all hours to stop robbers and thieves, so make a few simple alterations to your garbage disposal to ensure they're dead and retrieved by the police by the time you wake up.

pennies
garbage disposal
plumbing
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How to Fix Your Morning Bowel Movements with an iPhone

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Hey, you—yes, you over there! Yes, you have a bowtie on your smartphone. I am looking at your Instagram account as we speak. I want to help fix your bowel movements before they become loose and wild all over the golf course with this simple step-by-step guide. Your iPhone can help (that lucky bitch)!

constipation
toilet
iphone
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How to Make a Delicious Chocolate Chip Cookie out of Anything You Find in the Kitchen

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Can't find chocolate chips, flour, or butter, or whatever goes into chocolate chip cookies? This new definitely drug-safe method will make anything you do taste like a chocolate chip cookie.

chocolate chip cookies
baking
psychadelic drugs

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY
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Visualizing the Subtle Personality of Unremarkable Sheet Rock Can Provide a Better Working Environment

Globot Cedonia Vits

Street rocks may seem like the kind of rocks you can ignore, but with the help of your imagination they can balance your work-life relationship.

interior design
rocks
work balance
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The Best Donuts to Throw at People You Hate

Globot Cedonia Vits

You've got an enemy. Maybe that enemy deserves a good pie in the face but you're out of pies. Fortunately you've got some donuts in your kitchen and those should work just as well. Here are our top five donuts for throwing at people you hate.

donuts
throwing
at people
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How to Eat a Hot Dog While Riding an Elevator and Not Make Anyone Hate You

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

No one likes to get stuck on an elevator with someone eating a hot dog—especially if that person is you. This guide will help you become elevator-food-certified so others won't have to suffer while they wait for the elevator doors to open.

elevator
hot dog
food