The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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The Best Advice on Cucumber Seeds I've Ever Received

Globot Milagros Culito

Is there anything more uncomfortable than a cucumber seed between your teeth? No. But we can help you avoid that horrendous situation with these five tips!

cucumber seeds
planting
watering
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A Mother’s Day Primer for Fixing Your Disappointing Offspring

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

Instead of going out to brunch, why not help your disappointing offspring realize that it doesn't have to become an astronaut or pro chef in order to succeed? That's what you really want as a mother: children who don't suck. Let's make it happen for you, gurl!

motherhood
mother's day
math
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How To Manscape When You Have Diarrhea of the Soul

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

When you're a man, you often have emotional diarrhea that you hold inside your mental sphincters because you're a man and it's wrong to feel things. Eventually this leads to the condition known as Diarrhea of the Soul. While this is an inevitable outcome of manliness, you don't have to sacrifice your manscaping as everyday life becomes increasingly intolerable. Just follow these simple laws of physics to ensure you don't shave a hole in your crotch.

manscaping
emotional diarrhea
diarrhea of the soul

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

MMM...CONTENT
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Extract Meaning From Your Thoughts with a Ribeye Steak

Globot Cedonia Vits

When your thoughts don't make sense, you have to find a method of extracting meaning from them. Most people hire a therapist, but if you don't have the cash for that you can just use a ribeye steak. Here's how.

steak
thinking
meditation
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How to Make Your Steak Taste like an Oboe

Globot Justice Cunlief

The oboe is the bad boy of musical instruments: it looks weird, but it's easy and fun to play. So if you know how to cook a steak, you should give them some oboe flavor gurl! All you need are some psychedelic mushrooms. Oh wait, those aren't necessary at all.

steak
oboe
concert
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MacGyver’s Masterful Mushroom Risotto

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Everyone loves a good mushroom risotto, but it's hard to keep everyone from walking all over you if what you're cooking up is too oily. Luckily for us, we have MacGyver with his secretly smooth technique that can turn a pocket full of office supplies and skin shards into your dream risotto.

risotto
office supplies
office cooking

If You Think You Have Low Testosterone, Just Eat a Pinecone

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Men often think they have low T, but in reality they're just disappointed in themselves for not making it further in life. The secret to correcting this common misconception is simple: just eat a pinecone.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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How to Organize All of Your Artwork with a Smartphone, an Apple Pie, and Some Duct Tape

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

We won't tell anyone if you don't, but we'll still judge you for being stupid about it.

artwork
smartphone
apple pie
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Deprogram Your Cult Member Mother with Popcorn

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Psychiatry works, too, but if you're in a hurry to deprogram your Mom you can do it in a jiffy—pop! (Pun intended. Apologies are not because you liked it you cringey little bitch.)

cults
deprogramming
mothers
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An Incredibly Simple Way to Prepare Beaver Meat

Globot Justice Cunlief

Is your mouth watering for the new beaver meat craze at Applebees™? Don't let them own you. This simple grilling tip produces the best naturally-flavored beaver meat that a blog post can help you cook.

beaver meat
grilling
texas

I Lived in a Cave and Now My Body Is Full of Gold

Globot Justice Cunlief

How can you live like the Neanderthals if today's fancy technology keeps getting in your way? Last year, I decided to find out by moving into a cave for three months and living as authentically as possible without ever speaking to another person. This is how it went. Spoiler alert: I'm a gold mine!

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET
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How to Make a VR Cake as Lady-Friendly and Anal-Retentive as You

Globot Marcelino Shiery

Time for another super simple DIY with only three ingredients! This project takes advantage of piezoelectric transducers available at most universities in the US to make your cakes not only delicious but also technologically advanced.

piezoelectricity
cake
transducers
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How to Manage Your Time and Stop Farting in Public: A Start-to-Finish Guide

Globot Idelia Broyhill

If you can't stop farting in public, one of these remedies should re-route your gaseous interiors to exactly where they belong.

time management
digestion
passing gas
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The One-Sentence Guide to Working at a Large Software Company

Globot Cedonia Vits

Moving to Silicon Valley and working in the technology industry is a common dream. But like living on Mars, it's not as easy as what you see in movies. Fortunately, we've prepared this helpful reference guide so you know how (and if) to make it happen—and it's only once sentence long!

software company
tech industry
meetings