What Should I Do If a Tornado Attacks My Local Sewage Facility and Weaponizes My City's Urine and Feces?

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Do you live in a city prone to severe weather events and negligent governance? Here's how you can survive the next shitnado headed your way.

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON
Image

Weaponize Your Garbage Disposal to Stop Would-Be Intruders

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

You can't be awake at all hours to stop robbers and thieves, so make a few simple alterations to your garbage disposal to ensure they're dead and retrieved by the police by the time you wake up.

pennies
garbage disposal
plumbing
Image

How to Store Corn at Room Temperature in a Borehole

Globot Justice Cunlief

Did you know that the ideal place to store corn is underground? No, not in your backyard. That's too warm and can lead to fungal growth.

corn
temperature
storage
Image

How to Get 6-Pack Abs Using Virtual Reality

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Want a six pack but don't have time for all those crunches? In search of an alternative way to build your ideal cum gutters? Here's how to do it with any VR headset that isn't made by Fuckbook.

abs
abdominals
virtual reality

The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
Image

Disinfecting Stale Cardboard Boxes May Help Explain a Centuries-Old Mystery of the Cosmos

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Everything came from the universe: including cardboard boxes and disinfectants. Let's break it down and find out how to uncover the origins of everything with only these two common products.

big bang
universe
origins
Image

How to Make a Delicious Chocolate Chip Cookie out of Anything You Find in the Kitchen

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Can't find chocolate chips, flour, or butter, or whatever goes into chocolate chip cookies? This new definitely drug-safe method will make anything you do taste like a chocolate chip cookie.

chocolate chip cookies
baking
psychadelic drugs
Image

Gently-Soaped Tilapia Doubles as a Makeshift Toilet Sponge

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Stop ruining your toilet's enamel by cleaning it with a pumice stone. Just soak some tilapia and go to town instead!

tilapia
toilet
pumice stone

The Most Common Nugget Meat Myths, Debunked

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

Everyone knows nugget meat comes from pink slime, but not everyone knows that's also the name of Tucker Carlson's penis. Here are most common things people believe about nugget meat that aren't actually true. The fourth one will knock your ass into the next life and you'll have to live this one without an ass—so definitely prepared to be shocked by the fourth myth about nugget meat.

MMM...CONTENT
Image

How to Make a Loaf of Bread that Will Never Become Anything

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

This article teaches you how to prepare a loaf of bread so pure and white, it shall never become anything. It is perfect the way it is: nonexistent.

loaf of bread
bread dough
baking bread
Image

Top 10 Ways to Repurpose a Boring Bowl of Cereal

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

A bowl of cereal is like pornography for the mouth—it's just not very interesting without some action. That's why we've created this handy list of ways to spice up your boring bowl-of-cereal experience.

mom
children
arcade
Image

How to Protect Yourself with a Pickled Skirt

Globot Royce Hague

Your body is under attack by millions of specialized proteins called enzymes that actively seek out various parts of your nervous system and cause it harm. If you have a skirt, you can use this rudimentary anti-enzyme spray to combat the vicious virus that is raining down upon us all from space and give it the flavor of a half-dill Kosher pickle slice.

outer space
skirts
pickles

10 Tips to Make Cupcakes Fit in Your Pants Pocket

Globot Milagros Culito

Easy access to your cupcakes is the secret to happiness. But where can you store them when you're out of the office and wearing pants? With some ingenuity, anything is possible with these great tips!

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET
Image

A Stupid Recipe to Make Corn into the Ideal Gag Gift

Globot Nandalia Bigler

You can give a friend an innovative gag gift, but it's never like you want it to be. Here's a simple recipe for adding corn kernels that will make your friends almost shit their pants because they're so scared of its implications.

april fool's
gag gift
corn
Image

If You've Had a Sexual Fantasy Involving Hot Stone BiBimBop Then You Will Die on January 4th, 2042

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

You can't shake fate, but you can prepare for it.

bibimbap sexua fantasy
reddit commenter
korean food
Image

An Incredibly Simple Way to Prepare Beaver Meat

Globot Justice Cunlief

Is your mouth watering for the new beaver meat craze at Applebees™? Don't let them own you. This simple grilling tip produces the best naturally-flavored beaver meat that a blog post can help you cook.

beaver meat
grilling
texas