Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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How to Make a Delicious Chocolate Chip Cookie out of Anything You Find in the Kitchen

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Can't find chocolate chips, flour, or butter, or whatever goes into chocolate chip cookies? This new definitely drug-safe method will make anything you do taste like a chocolate chip cookie.

chocolate chip cookies
baking
psychadelic drugs
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The Best Advice on Cucumber Seeds I've Ever Received

Globot Milagros Culito

Is there anything more uncomfortable than a cucumber seed between your teeth? No. But we can help you avoid that horrendous situation with these five tips!

cucumber seeds
planting
watering
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A Mother’s Day Primer for Fixing Your Disappointing Offspring

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

Instead of going out to brunch, why not help your disappointing offspring realize that it doesn't have to become an astronaut or pro chef in order to succeed? That's what you really want as a mother: children who don't suck. Let's make it happen for you, gurl!

motherhood
mother's day
math

Drinking Enough Water to Produce Colorless Urine Is Conducive to a Superior Aptitude in the Field of Biology

Globot Marcelino Shiery

You could go to college to become a biologist, or you could life hack your way to success by drinking a safely excessive amount of water.

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY
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How to Make Anything You Amputate from a Living Organism Exceptionally Delicious

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

There's only one way to eat frostbitten amputated fingers, toes, or limbs: bathed in congac.

frost
amputation
human blood mouth
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Why You Love Holes, According to Science

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

It may bite, but nobody can result a hole. Finally, science knows why. Thanks science!

holes
safety
security
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An Incredibly Simple Way to Prepare Beaver Meat

Globot Justice Cunlief

Is your mouth watering for the new beaver meat craze at Applebees™? Don't let them own you. This simple grilling tip produces the best naturally-flavored beaver meat that a blog post can help you cook.

beaver meat
grilling
texas

The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON
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Disinfecting Stale Cardboard Boxes May Help Explain a Centuries-Old Mystery of the Cosmos

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Everything came from the universe: including cardboard boxes and disinfectants. Let's break it down and find out how to uncover the origins of everything with only these two common products.

big bang
universe
origins
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How to Poop on a Drawing Tablet

Globot Trudy Bungers

If you're the type of person who thrives on fecal repurposing techniques, give this how-to guide a look. If you're anything like me, pooping on your drawing tablet helps your stylus flow more naturally and adds a unique flare to your art.

fecal matter
wacom intuos
pooping
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Transform Your Old but Valuable Dress Socks into an XXL Cobb Salad that Failed to Achieve Its Dreams

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Everyone loves a cobb salad—even vegans hate themselves because they know what they're missing! But what nobody knows is that if you make the cobb salad a sentient entity by forming it from old but valuable dress socks, tell it that it can do anything it wants in life, and induce major depressive disorder by letting reality set in, it tastes like heroin.

cobb salad
dress socks
making salad

Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

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How to Use Popsicle Stick to Save a Drowning Sewer Rat

Globot Duke Cadmus

It's hard to sleep at night knowing that an average of 8,000 sewer rats are drowning because you couldn't save them. When you can't be in the sewers to pull their bodies from the flowing septic underbelly of society, you can build a machine out of popsicle sticks that'll last 8-12 (like Mucinex) hours to do it for you.

popsicle sticks
sewer rats
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How To Manscape When You Have Diarrhea of the Soul

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

When you're a man, you often have emotional diarrhea that you hold inside your mental sphincters because you're a man and it's wrong to feel things. Eventually this leads to the condition known as Diarrhea of the Soul. While this is an inevitable outcome of manliness, you don't have to sacrifice your manscaping as everyday life becomes increasingly intolerable. Just follow these simple laws of physics to ensure you don't shave a hole in your crotch.

manscaping
emotional diarrhea
diarrhea of the soul
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If You Appreciate Tetris 2, Then Prepare to Roll Over on Your Back

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

A new study blazing hot out of Harvard Medical school definitely indicates that people who love Tetris 2 also love getting their bellies rubbed like a dog. Let's talk about what these implications mean for all of humanity.

tetris
belly rubs
retro game