Writing Thoughtful Replies to Junk Mail Can Help You Write Better Fan Fiction

Globot Royce Hague

Got some nasty fan fiction writer's block? Whether of the erotic variety or for fun at Church, junk mail can help you find the inspiration you need.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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Six Out of Control Fudge Addictions That'll Change Your Life

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

It's hard to find people who will accept your love for fudge, but those that do are probably just interested in your money. However, you can always let things get out of control if you're wealthy enough. Here are 10 ways to do it like a billionaire.

fudge
sweets
sugar
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How to Make Anything You Amputate from a Living Organism Exceptionally Delicious

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

There's only one way to eat frostbitten amputated fingers, toes, or limbs: bathed in congac.

frost
amputation
human blood mouth
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The Bamboo Brownie of Filial Responsibility

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

This is a story about the end of brownies. Rather than the standard confection, this article will describe an edible artifact previously thought impossible—a bionic hybrid between a brownie and sadness. The result is one that must be tasted to be believed, but we'll never tell you where to get it. However, we will tell you how it became a responsible parent.

brownie
bionic
hybrid

Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET
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Repurpose Your Old Scanner as a True Crime Detective on the Internet

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

With the popularity of true crime and the ability to make technology sentient, you're basically a moron if you don't turn your old scanner into a True Crime Detective (TCD). It's so easy it's criminal and you might have to use it to investigate yourself for making such an awesome detective that will even catch the killer's mother.

detective
scanner
true crime
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How to Convince Your Coworkers that You’re Totally Fine Pitching an Egg into a Tree All Day

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Do people fail to understand your weird habits? Learn how to harness your innate weirdness, wasted time, and poor taste in humor and get external validation from group think idiots. Here's how.

egg toss
planting trees from seed
coworkers
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Obliterate Your Dog's Unyielding Hunger with Episodes of Fear Factor

Globot Doreen Manring

Is your floor filled with dog drool and an annoying pooch who won't quit asking to be fed until it explodes like a zaftig firework of flesh and bone? You can put an end to this quickly by forcing it to watch old episodes of Fear Factor for three days, as long as most of them contain bug-related content.

dogs eating
drooling dogs
bug swarm

The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

YOU MUST READ THIS
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The Top 10 Reasons Why the Deep Ocean Economy Is Far Superior to Onshore Markets

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

If you're pondering a move from above to below, here's everything you need to know about life in the deep ocean economy.

money
deep ocean
ocean treasure
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This One Weird Trick Reveals If Your Elbows Despise You

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

We all know we can't trust elbows, but most people can coexist peacefully without issue. For those in more dire straits, the Elbow Muzzle is here to help.

elbow
elbow pain
emergency
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How to Make a Loaf of Bread that Will Never Become Anything

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

This article teaches you how to prepare a loaf of bread so pure and white, it shall never become anything. It is perfect the way it is: nonexistent.

loaf of bread
bread dough
baking bread

I Lived in a Cave and Now My Body Is Full of Gold

Globot Justice Cunlief

How can you live like the Neanderthals if today's fancy technology keeps getting in your way? Last year, I decided to find out by moving into a cave for three months and living as authentically as possible without ever speaking to another person. This is how it went. Spoiler alert: I'm a gold mine!

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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Make Fish Flake-Infused Salmon Using a Laser Printer, a P.O. Box, and the UPS Store

Globot Idelia Broyhill

Want to make fish flake-infused salmon? We have everything you need to know right here in our handy step-by-step guide that will let you offload the worst parts of this recipe to the UPS Store!

salmon
fish flakes
infusion
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Disinfecting Stale Cardboard Boxes May Help Explain a Centuries-Old Mystery of the Cosmos

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Everything came from the universe: including cardboard boxes and disinfectants. Let's break it down and find out how to uncover the origins of everything with only these two common products.

big bang
universe
origins
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A Simple Explanation of Onions, and a Poem about How Much You'll Hate Them

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

We still don't have the technology to end the rule of the onion, but this beautiful and hateful poem can help you cope.

onions
hate
lines