The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET
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How to Stop Sharts Before They Start at Your Next Corporate Retreat

Globot Marcelino Shiery

Normally sharts are a gift from the heavens and we consider ourselves lucky to help them, but if you get them at your next corporate retreat you're bound to incite pangs of jealousy in your coworkers. Don't be shart all over this important bonding experience with these life-saving tips.

corporate retreats
sharts
beans
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The Bamboo Brownie of Filial Responsibility

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

This is a story about the end of brownies. Rather than the standard confection, this article will describe an edible artifact previously thought impossible—a bionic hybrid between a brownie and sadness. The result is one that must be tasted to be believed, but we'll never tell you where to get it. However, we will tell you how it became a responsible parent.

brownie
bionic
hybrid
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Everything You Need to Know About Illegal Lemur Trading

Globot Royce Hague

Here's the TL;DR: don't do it you sick weirdo! Why would you choose to sell lemurs on the black market? How do you even end up getting that job? Did they ask you about your biggest weakness in the interview? Shut up. We're about to answer all of your questions and more.

ring-tailed lemurs
illegal lemur trade
black market lemur trade

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

MUST CLICK MUST READ
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Fear of Elbows? We Have Four Tips to Help You Out

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Fear of Elbows syndrome (a.k.a. ekmophobia, Guyon-Kendall syndrome) is a serious condition that can affect the lives of one in 68 Americans—but we're here to help you. Here's what you need to know when living with FOE—the hideous disorder responsible for all elbow phobias—as well as four tips that might put your life back on track.

fear
elbow
ptsd
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Transform Your Old but Valuable Dress Socks into an XXL Cobb Salad that Failed to Achieve Its Dreams

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Everyone loves a cobb salad—even vegans hate themselves because they know what they're missing! But what nobody knows is that if you make the cobb salad a sentient entity by forming it from old but valuable dress socks, tell it that it can do anything it wants in life, and induce major depressive disorder by letting reality set in, it tastes like heroin.

cobb salad
dress socks
making salad
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5 Ways to Motivate Yourself with the Story of Popeye and the Public Toilet

Globot Justice Cunlief

Can't get out the door? Feel stuck? We've all been there. Here are five awesome ways to deal with overwhelming training motivation by channeling an old sailor man who chugged spinach like it was water.

motivation
intrinsic motivation
extrinsic motivation

The Top 10 Ways to Upgrade Daddy's Bathtub

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Is your bathtub not smart enough? Does it tell too many dad jokes? Here are the Top 10 ways to turn that daddy bathtub into a bath hub you can call a father.

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Seven Surprising Facts You Didn’t Know About Toothpaste

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Tide Pods are the most fascinating innovation of our time, but what can toothpaste do besides get eaten like a detergent capsule? Here, we explore all things dentifrice.

toothpaste
dentist
brushing teeth
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How to Use 5,000 Toilet Paper Tubes to Make a Bongo Drum

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

What do toilet paper tubes sound like when they violently slam against one another in the hands of an enthusiastic drummer? We're about to find out!

bongo drums
toilet paper tubes
school bands
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The 10 Characters You Meet Getting Yourself Ready for a Social Activity in the Morning

Globot Trudy Bungers

Bored? Tired? Sad? Having trouble motivating yourself to get ready for a social activity but you don't want anyone to know how sad and introverted you are so you're going through the motions instead like some kind of chafing golem, angrily huffing vitamins while your mother shouts at mosquitos on her patio chair because they keep landing on her arms even though she has mosquito repellent all over herself? Well, I've got good news! We've compiled this list of ten fictional characters that you can utilize as imaginary social companions.

getting ready in mirror
getting ready
characters

Make a Dog Lure with Public Toilet Pubes and Spoiled Custard

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Need more dogs? Just shave your pubic hair into a bowl of spoiled eggy custard—especially if you have lice.

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Six Out of Control Fudge Addictions That'll Change Your Life

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

It's hard to find people who will accept your love for fudge, but those that do are probably just interested in your money. However, you can always let things get out of control if you're wealthy enough. Here are 10 ways to do it like a billionaire.

fudge
sweets
sugar
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How to Organize Your Mechanical Keyboard When It's Full of BS

Globot Idelia Broyhill

Is your mechanical keyboard clogged with crumbs and bullshit filings? Don't worry, we've got you covered.

mechanical keyboard
reddit
keyboard cleaning
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How to Deal with a Feces-Covered Filthy Stinking Pair of Panties after They Have Been Sitting for Way Too Long in the Bowl by Your Bedside

Globot Chumo Preskey

If you can't sleep one night because your girlfriend's dirty underwear is sitting next to you in your bedside cereal bowl, don't worry—you're not alone. We've all been there. Now let us help you through this difficult time.

panties
soiled panties
soap