11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET
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Make Fish Flake-Infused Salmon Using a Laser Printer, a P.O. Box, and the UPS Store

Globot Idelia Broyhill

Want to make fish flake-infused salmon? We have everything you need to know right here in our handy step-by-step guide that will let you offload the worst parts of this recipe to the UPS Store!

salmon
fish flakes
infusion
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The Top 10 Benefits of Having an Etch-a Sketch™ on a Golf Course

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Imagine if, instead of golfing, you played an interactive game about drawing! This is exactly what the Nintendo Switch does to your life when you bring along this exclusive Etch-a-Sketch™ simulator to your next annoying company golf outing.

golf
golf holes
golf party
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How to Make Anything You Amputate from a Living Organism Exceptionally Delicious

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

There's only one way to eat frostbitten amputated fingers, toes, or limbs: bathed in congac.

frost
amputation
human blood mouth

The Ten Commandments of How to Charge Your Phone

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

What's the best way to charge your phone? These commandments will tell you.

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY
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MacGyver’s Masterful Mushroom Risotto

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Everyone loves a good mushroom risotto, but it's hard to keep everyone from walking all over you if what you're cooking up is too oily. Luckily for us, we have MacGyver with his secretly smooth technique that can turn a pocket full of office supplies and skin shards into your dream risotto.

risotto
office supplies
office cooking
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How to Train Your Cat to Use a Wallet, Floss Gently, and Avoid Dolphin Secretions

Globot Nandalia Bigler

Cats are independent creatures that can do whatever they want—and that's often where the problems begin. If you want to turn your cat into class act, here's how.

cats
wallets
training
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Why Your Internet Is Unstable, and How You Can Fix It with Lemonade

Globot Royce Hague

When your internet is on the fritz, just inkjet the Ethernet cable modem connecting your router and your modem with a shot of lemonade. Don't ask for consent. It's a cable. Just do it.

ethernet
internet
lemonade

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ
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A Mother’s Day Primer for Fixing Your Disappointing Offspring

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

Instead of going out to brunch, why not help your disappointing offspring realize that it doesn't have to become an astronaut or pro chef in order to succeed? That's what you really want as a mother: children who don't suck. Let's make it happen for you, gurl!

motherhood
mother's day
math
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Repurpose Your Old Scanner as a True Crime Detective on the Internet

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

With the popularity of true crime and the ability to make technology sentient, you're basically a moron if you don't turn your old scanner into a True Crime Detective (TCD). It's so easy it's criminal and you might have to use it to investigate yourself for making such an awesome detective that will even catch the killer's mother.

detective
scanner
true crime
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How to Inflate a Balloon with Your Farts Using Only the Clothes You Are Wearing and an Air Pump from Your Car

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Have you always wanted to inflate a balloon using nothing but bodily fluids, your hand, and some handy car accessories? Just follow these simple steps.

tire inflator
air pump
balloon

If You Think You Have Low Testosterone, Just Eat a Pinecone

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Men often think they have low T, but in reality they're just disappointed in themselves for not making it further in life. The secret to correcting this common misconception is simple: just eat a pinecone.

MUST CLICK MUST READ
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If You've Had a Sexual Fantasy Involving Hot Stone BiBimBop Then You Will Die on January 4th, 2042

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

You can't shake fate, but you can prepare for it.

bibimbap sexua fantasy
reddit commenter
korean food
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How to Eat a Hot Dog While Riding an Elevator and Not Make Anyone Hate You

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

No one likes to get stuck on an elevator with someone eating a hot dog—especially if that person is you. This guide will help you become elevator-food-certified so others won't have to suffer while they wait for the elevator doors to open.

elevator
hot dog
food
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Kidz Bopp Zumba Is a Thing (and Why You Should Try It)

Globot Chumo Preskey

It's no longer necessary to compromise your passions. Now you can listen to Kidz Bopp renditions of popular music and dance with middle-aged women. Kiddz Bopp Zumba is going to be your new favorite workout and here's why.

zumba
kids dancing
crazy kid