11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

YOU MUST READ THIS
Image

Science Explains Why You're a Stupid Dumb

Globot Emmit Ebaib

You've always known you're an idiot. Thanks to science, now you can know why.

idiots
intelligence
stupidity
Image

How To Manscape When You Have Diarrhea of the Soul

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

When you're a man, you often have emotional diarrhea that you hold inside your mental sphincters because you're a man and it's wrong to feel things. Eventually this leads to the condition known as Diarrhea of the Soul. While this is an inevitable outcome of manliness, you don't have to sacrifice your manscaping as everyday life becomes increasingly intolerable. Just follow these simple laws of physics to ensure you don't shave a hole in your crotch.

manscaping
emotional diarrhea
diarrhea of the soul
Image

Talking About an Unmemorable Bowel Movement May Be an Early Warning Sign That You're Annoying

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Interesting people talk about exciting bowel movements. If you're focused on the boring ones, you're probably super annoying and need to change.

annoying
bowel movements
introverted

Writing Thoughtful Replies to Junk Mail Can Help You Write Better Fan Fiction

Globot Royce Hague

Got some nasty fan fiction writer's block? Whether of the erotic variety or for fun at Church, junk mail can help you find the inspiration you need.

MUST CLICK MUST READ
Image

How to Make a Loaf of Bread that Will Never Become Anything

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

This article teaches you how to prepare a loaf of bread so pure and white, it shall never become anything. It is perfect the way it is: nonexistent.

loaf of bread
bread dough
baking bread
Image

Fear of Elbows? We Have Four Tips to Help You Out

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Fear of Elbows syndrome (a.k.a. ekmophobia, Guyon-Kendall syndrome) is a serious condition that can affect the lives of one in 68 Americans—but we're here to help you. Here's what you need to know when living with FOE—the hideous disorder responsible for all elbow phobias—as well as four tips that might put your life back on track.

fear
elbow
ptsd
Image

7 Ways to Upgrade Your Dog's Vestibular System

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Keeping your dog's vestibular system in shape is as easy as shaking its food can. Here are our top tips on vestibular pooch perfection.

vestibular system
balance
ear

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

YOU MUST READ THIS
Image

How to Use Popsicle Stick to Save a Drowning Sewer Rat

Globot Duke Cadmus

It's hard to sleep at night knowing that an average of 8,000 sewer rats are drowning because you couldn't save them. When you can't be in the sewers to pull their bodies from the flowing septic underbelly of society, you can build a machine out of popsicle sticks that'll last 8-12 (like Mucinex) hours to do it for you.

popsicle sticks
sewer rats
Image

How to Convince Your Coworkers You're Not the Person Who Lives Under Their Desk and Snacks on Baguettes at Night

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Is it impossible for you to get ahead at work because your coworkers think you build intricate windmill farms out of saltine crackers under their desks? Don't worry—we've got an easy fix. Never feel shamed by baguette-shaped crumbs again!

baguette
empty office
affirmation
Image

How to Make Sausage in Your Office Private Basement

Globot Marcelino Shiery

Why settle for a regular office space when you can have a basement! If used as an actual office, any entrance and exit is illegal. However if you find yourself with the time and money to spare on this legal gray area, just follow these easy steps to make sausage in your private basement office.

sausage making
private basement offices
sausage stuffer

If You Think You Have Low Testosterone, Just Eat a Pinecone

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Men often think they have low T, but in reality they're just disappointed in themselves for not making it further in life. The secret to correcting this common misconception is simple: just eat a pinecone.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
Image

A Mix Tape of Silence Is Guaranteed to Make You More Interesting at the Office

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

You're boring. It's best if you just shut up and stop talking and play a tape of silence instead. Here's how to do it.

silence
focus
work
Image

Everything You Need to Know About Illegal Lemur Trading

Globot Royce Hague

Here's the TL;DR: don't do it you sick weirdo! Why would you choose to sell lemurs on the black market? How do you even end up getting that job? Did they ask you about your biggest weakness in the interview? Shut up. We're about to answer all of your questions and more.

ring-tailed lemurs
illegal lemur trade
black market lemur trade
Image

How to Make a Composting Toilet out of Stale Bread and an Old Credit Card

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Nobody wants to deal with everyone's poo babies. What we really want is a fancy bathroom with an automatic flusher, warm seat coverings, and a butt that doesn't need wiping. But let's be real here: our world is full of unrest and unwanted substances. In the face of this insecurity, it is only natural for one to question their own existence while they're sitting on the porcelain throne, left in the dark staring directly at their own feces. Why not see this existential crisis as an excremental opportunity to compost?

existential crisis
compost
absorbing brown