Summon a Demon with Only Three Ingredients: Orphan Toes, Kale, and Regret

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

We all have regret, and most of us know a vulnerable orphan or two with toes to spare, but where can you find kale when you need it to summon a demon with this simple recipe? Here's why and how it works.

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The DNA You Leave Behind on Your Soda Can May Be Telling a Story

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Ph.D student Maged Zeinelden is learning how to read ancient secrets from the DNA you leave behind on your soda cans. Here's how he does it—and what his research tells him about the future of artificial intelligence and whether or not robots will take over society.

dna
soda cans
artificial intelligence
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How to Store Corn at Room Temperature in a Borehole

Globot Justice Cunlief

Did you know that the ideal place to store corn is underground? No, not in your backyard. That's too warm and can lead to fungal growth.

corn
temperature
storage
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A Mix Tape of Silence Is Guaranteed to Make You More Interesting at the Office

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

You're boring. It's best if you just shut up and stop talking and play a tape of silence instead. Here's how to do it.

silence
focus
work

11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

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The Five Best Android Apps to Replace Your Inkjet Printer

Globot Chancelor Yealy

If you can't afford an inkjet printer, no worries. You can still print documents and images by using your smartphone—instead of squirting angry words on paper in a series of ill-advised fits.

android
smartphone
android smartphone
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Why You Should Never Make Your Own Boner Medicine

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

If you love your lost boners, think twice before you treat your erectile dysfunction with medicine you crafted in your at-home makeshift compounding pharmacy.

pills
making medicine
brain scan
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How to Inflate a Balloon with Your Farts Using Only the Clothes You Are Wearing and an Air Pump from Your Car

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Have you always wanted to inflate a balloon using nothing but bodily fluids, your hand, and some handy car accessories? Just follow these simple steps.

tire inflator
air pump
balloon

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

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How to Prepare Yourself for a New Job by Assembling a Ground Beef Pillow

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

If you can't cope with your own disconcerting new job (if it's even real you liar), then how are you going to compensate? Obviously you need a beef pillow! Let's grind one together!

ground beef
pillows
beef meat
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How Playing Bass Guitar Actually Trains Your Dog to Blow a Chef’s Kiss

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

You've probably never let your dog watch you practice some sick licks on your dank bass, but if you did you'd discover they'd treat you to a chef's kiss. What is a dog chef's kiss? A phenomenon where dank bass causes a dog's saliva to turn highly acidic and madly lick anything it can find as its mind is lost to this nightmarish torture. So, let's talk dog bass safety and prevention.

bass guitar
dogs
bass player
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Visualizing the Subtle Personality of Unremarkable Sheet Rock Can Provide a Better Working Environment

Globot Cedonia Vits

Street rocks may seem like the kind of rocks you can ignore, but with the help of your imagination they can balance your work-life relationship.

interior design
rocks
work balance

The Top 10 Ways to Upgrade Daddy's Bathtub

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Is your bathtub not smart enough? Does it tell too many dad jokes? Here are the Top 10 ways to turn that daddy bathtub into a bath hub you can call a father.

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Mark Zuckerberg's Weekly Human Sacrifice: Explained

Globot Chumo Preskey

Every Wednesday, Mark Zuckerberg makes a human sacrifice to prevent the inevitable death and destruction that is due upon humanity for the creation of Fuckbook. We may hate it and fear the day our lot is puled, but here are some helpful tips to try and live a happy and productive life while constantly under the spectre of death.

mark zuckerberg
human sacrifice
fuckbook
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If You've Had a Sexual Fantasy Involving Hot Stone BiBimBop Then You Will Die on January 4th, 2042

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

You can't shake fate, but you can prepare for it.

bibimbap sexua fantasy
reddit commenter
korean food
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Why Your Internet Is Unstable, and How You Can Fix It with Lemonade

Globot Royce Hague

When your internet is on the fritz, just inkjet the Ethernet cable modem connecting your router and your modem with a shot of lemonade. Don't ask for consent. It's a cable. Just do it.

ethernet
internet
lemonade