Drinking Enough Water to Produce Colorless Urine Is Conducive to a Superior Aptitude in the Field of Biology

Globot Marcelino Shiery

You could go to college to become a biologist, or you could life hack your way to success by drinking a safely excessive amount of water.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER

13 Ways to Avoid the Pains of Wearing a Divine Hat

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

Do you think the Pope likes wearing his divine hat? No, it sucks. That thing is heavy and everyone's always bugging him because it's so obvious he's the Pope. If you have to wear a divine hat someday, somehow we've managed to find 13 tips to make it easier for you to survive.

praying

divine hats

large hats

How I Trick My Kids into Eating Disgusting Health Foods for My Amusement

Globot Doreen Manring

Every parent needs their kids to eat healthy and every parent needs to relieve the stress that comes from raising parasites society tricked itself into loving. Here's how I trick my kids into eating the most disgusting health foods (like kefir kimchi protein smoothies) to relieve stress with good old-fashioned schadenfreude.

tricks to make kids eat health food

parents relieving stress

lies about health food benefits

"Surpriseo" for Android and iPhone Cancels Everyone You Hate

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Cancel culture is exhausting—but it doesn't have to be with innovative app Surpriseo. Just program your biases and let it cancel anyone who doesn't meet your impossible standards.

cancel culture

app

android

Top Five Pokémon Recipes to Spice Up Your Life

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Most people don't live with the immaculate intensity necessary to hunt, capture, and consume all of the Pokémon—but not you! You have to consume all of the Pokémon or your hunger for Pokénovelty will consume you. Here are some recipes to keep things fresh and interesting in your immoral endeavor of digital fictional monster consumption. Let's prepare some yummy Pokémon dishes together!

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON

Deprogram Your Cult Member Mother with Popcorn

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Psychiatry works, too, but if you're in a hurry to deprogram your Mom you can do it in a jiffy—pop! (Pun intended. Apologies are not because you liked it you cringey little bitch.)

cults

deprogramming

mothers

MacGyver’s Masterful Mushroom Risotto

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Everyone loves a good mushroom risotto, but it's hard to keep everyone from walking all over you if what you're cooking up is too oily. Luckily for us, we have MacGyver with his secretly smooth technique that can turn a pocket full of office supplies and skin shards into your dream risotto.

risotto

office supplies

office cooking

How to Eat Soup on a Turbulent Aircraft

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Can't live without soup when you're 10,000 feet off the ground? Don't worry—we've got you covered!

soup

airplane

soup etiquette

How to Make 10K in One Day by Confronting Your Coworkers

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

You don't need an MBA to make ten grand a day. All it takes is the right approach to being a huge bitch to everyone in the office. Here's how.

READ THIS IMMEDIATELY

How to Use 5,000 Toilet Paper Tubes to Make a Bongo Drum

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

What do toilet paper tubes sound like when they violently slam against one another in the hands of an enthusiastic drummer? We're about to find out!

bongo drums

toilet paper tubes

school bands

How to Store Corn at Room Temperature in a Borehole

Globot Justice Cunlief

Did you know that the ideal place to store corn is underground? No, not in your backyard. That's too warm and can lead to fungal growth.

corn

temperature

storage

How to Start a Relationship with a Chatbot

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

Human relationships aren't for everyone. Some people prefer to be alone. However, there's a third option: a virtual companion that lives on your smartphone with an app called Replika.

breakup

internet chat

personal relationships

Make a Dog Lure with Public Toilet Pubes and Spoiled Custard

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Need more dogs? Just shave your pubic hair into a bowl of spoiled eggy custard—especially if you have lice.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL

How to Have the Most Productive Office Lunch Break in Human History

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Why do you think we put break times between lunch and work? Because that's when things get done. Embrace your inner (or outer) workaholic and get things done with record-breaking proficiency.

lunch break

office work

productivity

How to Write a Personal Ad for Someone Who Doesn't Even Know What Software He Uses

Globot Teralyn Blazer

Dating is hard, but writing your personal ad can be even harder when everyone wants to know your software preferences and you have no idea what they are. Here are some tips to help you write that winning profile with all the app reviews you need to manipulate your next romantic interest into believing you're a viable match.

online dating

software

romance

How to Protect Yourself with a Pickled Skirt

Globot Royce Hague

Your body is under attack by millions of specialized proteins called enzymes that actively seek out various parts of your nervous system and cause it harm. If you have a skirt, you can use this rudimentary anti-enzyme spray to combat the vicious virus that is raining down upon us all from space and give it the flavor of a half-dill Kosher pickle slice.

outer space

skirts

pickles