Summon a Demon with Only Three Ingredients: Orphan Toes, Kale, and Regret

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

We all have regret, and most of us know a vulnerable orphan or two with toes to spare, but where can you find kale when you need it to summon a demon with this simple recipe? Here's why and how it works.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ
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How to Use 5,000 Toilet Paper Tubes to Make a Bongo Drum

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

What do toilet paper tubes sound like when they violently slam against one another in the hands of an enthusiastic drummer? We're about to find out!

bongo drums
toilet paper tubes
school bands
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How to Use Brownies to Stop Your Incessant Hiccups

Globot Chumo Preskey

You can't hiccup properly if you're choking down a pan of brownies. That may be bad for your lifespan but it's also bad for the lifespan of your hiccups.

hiccups
brownies
doctor
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Fashion a Makeshift Flute Using a Pile of Old Fast Food Wrappers

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

If your childhood dream of becoming a flautist was destroyed by poverty, here's your sweet revenge: you can create your own flute out of a pile of fast food wrappers and make first chair in under eight months. That's less time than making a baby!

fast food wrappers
flute
makeshift

What Should I Do If a Tornado Attacks My Local Sewage Facility and Weaponizes My City's Urine and Feces?

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Do you live in a city prone to severe weather events and negligent governance? Here's how you can survive the next shitnado headed your way.

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How Playing Bass Guitar Actually Trains Your Dog to Blow a Chef’s Kiss

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

You've probably never let your dog watch you practice some sick licks on your dank bass, but if you did you'd discover they'd treat you to a chef's kiss. What is a dog chef's kiss? A phenomenon where dank bass causes a dog's saliva to turn highly acidic and madly lick anything it can find as its mind is lost to this nightmarish torture. So, let's talk dog bass safety and prevention.

bass guitar
dogs
bass player
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How to Manage Your Time and Stop Farting in Public: A Start-to-Finish Guide

Globot Idelia Broyhill

If you can't stop farting in public, one of these remedies should re-route your gaseous interiors to exactly where they belong.

time management
digestion
passing gas
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The Magnificent Art of Bird-Based Potato Salad

Globot Trudy Bungers

Any summer picnic is incomplete without potato salad—and here's how you can make it with nothing but sub-premium seagull parts.

summer picnic
potato salad
seagulls

The Top 10 Ways to Upgrade Daddy's Bathtub

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Is your bathtub not smart enough? Does it tell too many dad jokes? Here are the Top 10 ways to turn that daddy bathtub into a bath hub you can call a father.

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How I Trick My Kids into Eating Disgusting Health Foods for My Amusement

Globot Doreen Manring

Every parent needs their kids to eat healthy and every parent needs to relieve the stress that comes from raising parasites society tricked itself into loving. Here's how I trick my kids into eating the most disgusting health foods (like kefir kimchi protein smoothies) to relieve stress with good old-fashioned schadenfreude.

tricks to make kids eat health food
parents relieving stress
lies about health food benefits
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MacGyver’s Masterful Mushroom Risotto

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Everyone loves a good mushroom risotto, but it's hard to keep everyone from walking all over you if what you're cooking up is too oily. Luckily for us, we have MacGyver with his secretly smooth technique that can turn a pocket full of office supplies and skin shards into your dream risotto.

risotto
office supplies
office cooking
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How to Make a Composting Toilet out of Stale Bread and an Old Credit Card

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Nobody wants to deal with everyone's poo babies. What we really want is a fancy bathroom with an automatic flusher, warm seat coverings, and a butt that doesn't need wiping. But let's be real here: our world is full of unrest and unwanted substances. In the face of this insecurity, it is only natural for one to question their own existence while they're sitting on the porcelain throne, left in the dark staring directly at their own feces. Why not see this existential crisis as an excremental opportunity to compost?

existential crisis
compost
absorbing brown

Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

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How to Secretly Hide Gluten in Everything (Including Rodney's Mom)

Globot Idelia Broyhill

Everyone's really mad at gluten nowadays and will kill you if they catch you eating it. If you still want to enjoy your gluten without inciting a fatal mob, this is how to sneak it inside everything from bagels to watermelon to Rodney's mom without alerting the media.

gluten
hiding gluten
secret recipes
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How to Make Anything You Amputate from a Living Organism Exceptionally Delicious

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

There's only one way to eat frostbitten amputated fingers, toes, or limbs: bathed in congac.

frost
amputation
human blood mouth
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How to Achieve a Sense of Inner Calm with Only 5,000 Journal Pages

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

In order to achieve inner calm, you need to take your thoughts and organize them into pages: 5,000 of them. Here's how to get started right away and make sure you finish before you die.

leo babauta
5,000 journal pages
inner calm