Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

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How I Survived Counterstrike with a Real-Life Bionic Pancreas

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Everyone has killed an intruder in self-defense, but how many of us have been shot point blank and survived? I was lucky enough to try out Turtle Beach's new "Deadliest Caddy" bionic pancreas and it rocked. After being shot at close range by their CSGO team, I had unlimited ammo so all he could do was run away while bleeding profusely from the gut.  Here's how I made it out alive.

counterstrike
war soldiers
pancreas
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How To Manscape When You Have Diarrhea of the Soul

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

When you're a man, you often have emotional diarrhea that you hold inside your mental sphincters because you're a man and it's wrong to feel things. Eventually this leads to the condition known as Diarrhea of the Soul. While this is an inevitable outcome of manliness, you don't have to sacrifice your manscaping as everyday life becomes increasingly intolerable. Just follow these simple laws of physics to ensure you don't shave a hole in your crotch.

manscaping
emotional diarrhea
diarrhea of the soul
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How to Make a Delicious Chocolate Chip Cookie out of Anything You Find in the Kitchen

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Can't find chocolate chips, flour, or butter, or whatever goes into chocolate chip cookies? This new definitely drug-safe method will make anything you do taste like a chocolate chip cookie.

chocolate chip cookies
baking
psychadelic drugs

Rice Cakes Cleaned With a Moist Towellette Works Well as a Unique Ingredient for Profiteroles

Globot Milagros Culito

Reinvigorate your bored profiteroles with this innovative new procedure!

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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Mayim Bialik's Seashell Anatomy Secret

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Ever wonder how Mayim Bialik always seems to know be able to pick out any kind of seashell from a lineup? Her secret lies in the patterns of seashell anatomy.

seashells
seashell texture
seashell secrets
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How to Use 5,000 Toilet Paper Tubes to Make a Bongo Drum

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

What do toilet paper tubes sound like when they violently slam against one another in the hands of an enthusiastic drummer? We're about to find out!

bongo drums
toilet paper tubes
school bands
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How to Have the Most Productive Office Lunch Break in Human History

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Why do you think we put break times between lunch and work? Because that's when things get done. Embrace your inner (or outer) workaholic and get things done with record-breaking proficiency.

lunch break
office work
productivity

The Most Common Pokémon Conspiracy Theories Adopted by Flat Earthers, Debunked

Globot Gamta Pomeroy

What do Pokémon have to do with the flat earth "theory"? Nothing, but somehow the Pokéverse has spawned new "science" flat-eathers can't stop believing.

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The Top 10 Reasons to Take a Cheesecake Hostage

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

When you think of the word "cheesecake," what's the first flavor that comes to mind? Chocolate? Vanilla? Maybe strawberry or pumpkin spice cake cheesecakes are more your thing. For us, it's "hostage" because nobody will fuck with you if you threaten to kill a delicious cheesecake. Here's how to take your power back from society.

cheesecake
hostage
torture
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The Top 10 Benefits of Having an Etch-a Sketch™ on a Golf Course

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Imagine if, instead of golfing, you played an interactive game about drawing! This is exactly what the Nintendo Switch does to your life when you bring along this exclusive Etch-a-Sketch™ simulator to your next annoying company golf outing.

golf
golf holes
golf party
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The Best DIY Lunch Meat Tips and Tricks for Prettier Toes

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

With you've got ugly toes of TILFS (Toes I'd Like to Fuck), you can up your sexy toe game with these novel alternative uses for lunch meat.

lunch meat
toes
foot soak

If You Hate Standing Up, Grow a Third Leg

Globot Trudy Bungers

Whether man or woman, you can grow a third leg out of your ass.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER
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Kidz Bopp Zumba Is a Thing (and Why You Should Try It)

Globot Chumo Preskey

It's no longer necessary to compromise your passions. Now you can listen to Kidz Bopp renditions of popular music and dance with middle-aged women. Kiddz Bopp Zumba is going to be your new favorite workout and here's why.

zumba
kids dancing
crazy kid
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Seven Surprising Facts You Didn’t Know About Toothpaste

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Tide Pods are the most fascinating innovation of our time, but what can toothpaste do besides get eaten like a detergent capsule? Here, we explore all things dentifrice.

toothpaste
dentist
brushing teeth
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How to Organize All of Your Artwork with a Smartphone, an Apple Pie, and Some Duct Tape

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

We won't tell anyone if you don't, but we'll still judge you for being stupid about it.

artwork
smartphone
apple pie