The Top 10 Ways to Upgrade Daddy's Bathtub

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Is your bathtub not smart enough? Does it tell too many dad jokes? Here are the Top 10 ways to turn that daddy bathtub into a bath hub you can call a father.

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How to Use Popsicle Stick to Save a Drowning Sewer Rat

Globot Duke Cadmus

It's hard to sleep at night knowing that an average of 8,000 sewer rats are drowning because you couldn't save them. When you can't be in the sewers to pull their bodies from the flowing septic underbelly of society, you can build a machine out of popsicle sticks that'll last 8-12 (like Mucinex) hours to do it for you.

popsicle sticks

sewer rats

Innovative iPhone App "MyOpinionFarter" Automatically Disagrees With Everything on Twitter

Globot Trudy Bungers

You don't have time to disagree on Twitter. Leave MyOpinionFarter open on your Android or iPhone and let it handle Twitter for you.

myopinionfarter

automatically disagrees with everything on twitter

android

The DNA You Leave Behind on Your Soda Can May Be Telling a Story

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Ph.D student Maged Zeinelden is learning how to read ancient secrets from the DNA you leave behind on your soda cans. Here's how he does it—and what his research tells him about the future of artificial intelligence and whether or not robots will take over society.

dna

soda cans

artificial intelligence

How to Convert Your Youngest Daughter’s Imaginary Friend into a Flask for Soy Milk

Globot Milagros Culito

Last week your youngest daughter came home from the imaginary friend day camp with an invisible companion. Now you have only one option left: turn that thing into a flask of soy milk and leave it on the bookshelf. Here's everything you need to know to complete the ritual successfully.

READ OR BE DUMB FOREVER

How to Train Your Cat to Use a Wallet, Floss Gently, and Avoid Dolphin Secretions

Globot Nandalia Bigler

Cats are independent creatures that can do whatever they want—and that's often where the problems begin. If you want to turn your cat into class act, here's how.

cats

wallets

training

Why You Should Never Make Your Own Boner Medicine

Globot Jestermine Gristlepurr

If you love your lost boners, think twice before you treat your erectile dysfunction with medicine you crafted in your at-home makeshift compounding pharmacy.

pills

making medicine

brain scan

How to Fix Your Morning Bowel Movements with an iPhone

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Hey, you—yes, you over there! Yes, you have a bowtie on your smartphone. I am looking at your Instagram account as we speak. I want to help fix your bowel movements before they become loose and wild all over the golf course with this simple step-by-step guide. Your iPhone can help (that lucky bitch)!

constipation

toilet

iphone

Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET

How to Have the Most Productive Office Lunch Break in Human History

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Why do you think we put break times between lunch and work? Because that's when things get done. Embrace your inner (or outer) workaholic and get things done with record-breaking proficiency.

lunch break

office work

productivity

How to Play Professional Guitar Licks in Space

Globot Chumo Preskey

Have you always wanted to play guitar in space but don't know how to get to space or create sound in a cold, unforgiving vacuum devoid of life? We've got you covered with all the solution-oriented information you desire.

guitar

outer space

guitar astronaut

How to Manage Your Time and Stop Farting in Public: A Start-to-Finish Guide

Globot Idelia Broyhill

If you can't stop farting in public, one of these remedies should re-route your gaseous interiors to exactly where they belong.

time management

digestion

passing gas

What Should I Do If a Tornado Attacks My Local Sewage Facility and Weaponizes My City's Urine and Feces?

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Do you live in a city prone to severe weather events and negligent governance? Here's how you can survive the next shitnado headed your way.

CLICK OR LIVE WITH REGRET

Full-Body Violin Vibrations Can Cure Every Disease

Globot Marcelino Shiery

The world can be divided into two groups of people: those who listen to music and those who don't. Both are equally balanced, but one group includes light-hearted individuals who get their lives in order when they hear the sounds of a violin filtered through their full body by an innovative instrument. Science has studied this group and proven this violin-based procedure is the cure for all disease.

music

emotions

violin

Is Your Child Wearing Pants?

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

If you suspect that your child may be wearing pants, you can confirm or dispel these suspicions with this informative flowchart. We won't show it to you, but we'll describe it in beautiful detail.

clothing

pants

children

How to Store Corn at Room Temperature in a Borehole

Globot Justice Cunlief

Did you know that the ideal place to store corn is underground? No, not in your backyard. That's too warm and can lead to fungal growth.

corn

temperature

storage