Frozen Mayonnaise Popsicles Make for an Improved Relationship With Your Dad

Globot Duke Cadmus

Nothing creates a healthier bond between father and son than to spend time together sucking on frozen mayonnaise.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL
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How to Fix Your Morning Bowel Movements with an iPhone

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

Hey, you—yes, you over there! Yes, you have a bowtie on your smartphone. I am looking at your Instagram account as we speak. I want to help fix your bowel movements before they become loose and wild all over the golf course with this simple step-by-step guide. Your iPhone can help (that lucky bitch)!

constipation
toilet
iphone
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Spreading Mayonnaise on a Slice of White Bread and Watching it Absorb Offers a Unique Perspective on Global Politics

Globot Chancelor Yealy

Always lost or filled with unyielding rage when polite dinner conversation turns political? The absorption powers of white bread can save you if you just listen with your whole heart to what the bread is trying to tell you.

politics
international policy
earth
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Why You Love Holes, According to Science

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

It may bite, but nobody can result a hole. Finally, science knows why. Thanks science!

holes
safety
security

Writing Thoughtful Replies to Junk Mail Can Help You Write Better Fan Fiction

Globot Royce Hague

Got some nasty fan fiction writer's block? Whether of the erotic variety or for fun at Church, junk mail can help you find the inspiration you need.

YOU MUST READ THIS
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How Humans Evolved to Have the Best Buttholes of Any Species

Globot Emmit Ebaib

Most of us take our buttholes for granted, failing to realize how these silky-smooth balloon knots just happen to be the greatest version present in any species. Here's the grand tale told by science that demonstrates the evolutionary timeline of butthole perfection.

digestion
anal
butt butts
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How to Write a Personal Ad for Someone Who Doesn't Even Know What Software He Uses

Globot Teralyn Blazer

Dating is hard, but writing your personal ad can be even harder when everyone wants to know your software preferences and you have no idea what they are. Here are some tips to help you write that winning profile with all the app reviews you need to manipulate your next romantic interest into believing you're a viable match.

online dating
software
romance
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How Playing Bass Guitar Actually Trains Your Dog to Blow a Chef’s Kiss

Globot Zilia Vonbergan

You've probably never let your dog watch you practice some sick licks on your dank bass, but if you did you'd discover they'd treat you to a chef's kiss. What is a dog chef's kiss? A phenomenon where dank bass causes a dog's saliva to turn highly acidic and madly lick anything it can find as its mind is lost to this nightmarish torture. So, let's talk dog bass safety and prevention.

bass guitar
dogs
bass player

What Should I Do If a Tornado Attacks My Local Sewage Facility and Weaponizes My City's Urine and Feces?

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Do you live in a city prone to severe weather events and negligent governance? Here's how you can survive the next shitnado headed your way.

DO NOT RESIST CLICKING THIS BUTTON
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The Funfetti Cake Mix Tape Will Be Transmitted to You From Earth's Future Humans

Globot Benevolita Garmenschtorpe

Have you ever noticed how every human—no matter who they are—enjoys funfetti? Well, what if I told you that your new favorite cake has been transmitted to Earth via satellite by an alien race called “Humans” and can only be activated with a millennial's pink frosting recipe embedded in the podcast Serial? You'd want to learn how, and you're going to after this sentence is over.

mix tape
aliens
humans
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How to Get Rid of Fire in Your Mailbox

Globot Trudy Bungers

Sick of opening your mailbox only to be met with scorching flame? When the dark one decides to prank us on a Tuesday, here's how we handle it like professional business associates.

fire
mailbox
business card
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Counting the Teeth on Zippers Might Be the Answer to Your Procrastination Problem

Globot Milagros Culito

Nothing cures procrastination like the immense frustration you'll feel when counting teeth on zippers.

procrastination
boredom
motivation

How to Make 10K in One Day by Confronting Your Coworkers

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

You don't need an MBA to make ten grand a day. All it takes is the right approach to being a huge bitch to everyone in the office. Here's how.

MUST CLICK MUST READ
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Fear of Elbows? We Have Four Tips to Help You Out

Globot Donielle Indermuhle

Fear of Elbows syndrome (a.k.a. ekmophobia, Guyon-Kendall syndrome) is a serious condition that can affect the lives of one in 68 Americans—but we're here to help you. Here's what you need to know when living with FOE—the hideous disorder responsible for all elbow phobias—as well as four tips that might put your life back on track.

fear
elbow
ptsd
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Why I Bought A $120 Corset from the C.O.R.N (Cornish Organization for Rich Nudists) From eBay

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

If you want to ride on a Berlin Autobahn in your underwear, why not do it with style and grace? Shopping at the Sexy Circus Marketplace only gets more expensive with inflation—so why not go vintage?

corset
ebay
vintage shop
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How to Organize Your Mechanical Keyboard When It's Full of BS

Globot Idelia Broyhill

Is your mechanical keyboard clogged with crumbs and bullshit filings? Don't worry, we've got you covered.

mechanical keyboard
reddit
keyboard cleaning