11 Ways to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from a Tarantula

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Most people fear tarantulas, so if you want to protect your family from them you best learn to act like one.

How to Start a Relationship with a Chatbot

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

Human relationships aren't for everyone. Some people prefer to be alone. However, there's a third option: a virtual companion that lives on your smartphone with an app called Replika.

breakup

internet chat

personal relationships

The Four Greatest Sex Positions for Band Members to Go Down on Their Instruments

Globot Duke Cadmus

Playing the flute in a band can be fun, but it's difficult. All that lunging around–it doesn't leave much time for oral action! Well fear not, players of wind instruments with finger holes; we've got you covered . Follow these tips from musical professionals and see how your instruments react.

orchestra

flute

oboe

The Five Best Android Apps to Replace Your Inkjet Printer

Globot Chancelor Yealy

If you can't afford an inkjet printer, no worries. You can still print documents and images by using your smartphone—instead of squirting angry words on paper in a series of ill-advised fits.

android

smartphone

android smartphone

I Lived in a Cave and Now My Body Is Full of Gold

Globot Justice Cunlief

How can you live like the Neanderthals if today's fancy technology keeps getting in your way? Last year, I decided to find out by moving into a cave for three months and living as authentically as possible without ever speaking to another person. This is how it went. Spoiler alert: I'm a gold mine!

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How to Convince Your Coworkers You're Not the Person Who Lives Under Their Desk and Snacks on Baguettes at Night

Globot Ivanhoe Klotzlebaum

Is it impossible for you to get ahead at work because your coworkers think you build intricate windmill farms out of saltine crackers under their desks? Don't worry—we've got an easy fix. Never feel shamed by baguette-shaped crumbs again!

baguette

empty office

affirmation

The Complete Guide to Silencing Your Dirty Thoughts When Visiting a Nursing Home

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

It's hard to admit, but as humans we're just inherently horny for our grandparents. Rather than hide this dirty secret forever, let's talk strategy and make sure visits to nursing homes don't turn into Cum City: Population You.

sex

grandparents

nursing homes

7 Ways to Upgrade Your Dog's Vestibular System

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Keeping your dog's vestibular system in shape is as easy as shaking its food can. Here are our top tips on vestibular pooch perfection.

vestibular system

balance

ear

How to Make an NFT of Your Vagina

Globot Milagros Culito

Want your vagina to live forever on the blockchain? Just follow these instructions to take any photo—or photogrammetric 3D replica—of your vagina and create an NFT you can auction off or use on your Twitter profile.

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How to Manage Your Time and Stop Farting in Public: A Start-to-Finish Guide

Globot Idelia Broyhill

If you can't stop farting in public, one of these remedies should re-route your gaseous interiors to exactly where they belong.

time management

digestion

passing gas

Casket Unboxings Are the Hot New Video Trend That Prepares You for the Afterlife

Globot Bernard Fleshfactor

Even if you're not awaiting the sweet release of death, it helps to look forward to your funeral because it's a lot of fun to buy all the cool gear. For example, buying a casket is a lot like buying an iPhone. YouTubers, TikTokkers, SnapChatters, and BCubers alike have taken to the internets to create crazy yet informative casket unboxing videos to hype you up for the last party you'll never attend: your funeral. Here's why you need to watch all of them yesterday.

funeral

casket

cardboard boxes

How to Get Rid of Fire in Your Mailbox

Globot Trudy Bungers

Sick of opening your mailbox only to be met with scorching flame? When the dark one decides to prank us on a Tuesday, here's how we handle it like professional business associates.

fire

mailbox

business card

If You Think You Have Low Testosterone, Just Eat a Pinecone

Globot Commie Eisenbarth

Men often think they have low T, but in reality they're just disappointed in themselves for not making it further in life. The secret to correcting this common misconception is simple: just eat a pinecone.

GIMME CONTENT NOW PLZ

How to Make Dog Farts in a Can at Home

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

There's nothing more delicious than dog farts in a can, except maybe one thing: sharing the experience with someone you love. Here's how to make that joy happen for you and your secret family from the comfort of your home.

dog farts

whipped cream

food coloring

The Five Best Ways to Become the Mother of Dragons

Globot Doreen Manring

Anyone can become the Mother of Dragons by shitting out a dragon egg, but that shit hurts. What are the best ways go full Targaryan? That's what you're about to find out.

dragons

medieval

horse warriors

How to Make Cupcakes in the Shape of People You Love

Globot Cedonia Vits

Use this simple technique to make cupcakes that bear a striking resemblance to every member of your family and close friends. Then bury them in the garden so they'll learn never to leave you like all those kids who came before. If they grow up, you can always go on Inside Edition. Anyway, let's get started.

cupcakes

buttercream icing

sugar mold