I Lived in a Cave and Now My Body Is Full of Gold

Globot Justice Cunlief

How can you live like the Neanderthals if today's fancy technology keeps getting in your way? Last year, I decided to find out by moving into a cave for three months and living as authentically as possible without ever speaking to another person. This is how it went. Spoiler alert: I'm a gold mine!

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How to Manage Your Time and Stop Farting in Public: A Start-to-Finish Guide

Globot Idelia Broyhill

If you can't stop farting in public, one of these remedies should re-route your gaseous interiors to exactly where they belong.

time management

digestion

passing gas

How to Organize All of Your Artwork with a Smartphone, an Apple Pie, and Some Duct Tape

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

We won't tell anyone if you don't, but we'll still judge you for being stupid about it.

artwork

smartphone

apple pie

Halle Berry's Top 10 Tips for Performing Open Heart Surgery on the Beach

Globot Trudy Bungers

Nobody likes getting open heart surgery and probably hates you for suggesting they need it. If you want to finally get to open a chest and play with a heart, it's much easier to convince a reluctant healthy adult (or child) if it's going to happen on the beach. But you don't want to close them up if their arteries are filled with sand and bird droppings. Fortunately, famous actor Halle Berry (Swordfish) has some tips to get the job done all clean and pristine.

open heart surgery

beach

Make a Dog Lure with Public Toilet Pubes and Spoiled Custard

Globot Olegario Brinkerhoff

Need more dogs? Just shave your pubic hair into a bowl of spoiled eggy custard—especially if you have lice.

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How to Crack the Code of Your Motorcycle

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

Have you ever found yourself in a dark, lonely parking lot and ran your hand over something that you hoped would be your motorcycle but was actually just an empty space? Motorcycles are mysterious creatures and few know how to crack their code. However, we, the few, are here to help.

motorcycles

decipher

secret code

If You Appreciate Tetris 2, Then Prepare to Roll Over on Your Back

Globot Ambrogio Drinkwater

A new study blazing hot out of Harvard Medical school definitely indicates that people who love Tetris 2 also love getting their bellies rubbed like a dog. Let's talk about what these implications mean for all of humanity.

tetris

belly rubs

retro game

How to Make a Proud Dad Muffin

Globot Jieswaeldo McFarren

Nothing says "I love you" more than a proud dad muffin. What does it look like? Well, first find yourself some blueberry sourdough starter and fork over $59 for the official Kohl's sweater vest on Etsy—that's key.

dad

muffin

blueberries

Writing Thoughtful Replies to Junk Mail Can Help You Write Better Fan Fiction

Globot Royce Hague

Got some nasty fan fiction writer's block? Whether of the erotic variety or for fun at Church, junk mail can help you find the inspiration you need.

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An Incredibly Simple Way to Prepare Beaver Meat

Globot Justice Cunlief

Is your mouth watering for the new beaver meat craze at Applebees™? Don't let them own you. This simple grilling tip produces the best naturally-flavored beaver meat that a blog post can help you cook.

beaver meat

grilling

texas

How to Store Corn at Room Temperature in a Borehole

Globot Justice Cunlief

Did you know that the ideal place to store corn is underground? No, not in your backyard. That's too warm and can lead to fungal growth.

corn

temperature

storage

Dead Clowns Buried in Shaving Cream Just Might Save Your Marriage

Globot Nandalia Bigler

Nobody wants to commit murder, but when the victims are clowns and the beneficiary is your marriage you'll surely make the same choice as 78% of Americans.

clowns

shaving cream

universities

All the Forms You’re Going to Need When You Purchase a New Plant

Globot Nandalia Bigler

Purchasing a new plant can be a life-changing decision fraught with the twists and turns of a long-running emotional roller coaster—especially if you're thinking of buying a ficus tree. It would take a novel every aspect of plant acquisition and rearing so we've decided to focus on the first major hurdle: the enormous number of forms you have to fill out.

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How to Celebrate with a Type III Diabetes Didgeridoo Cupcake that was Emotionally Scarred by an Overbearing Mother

Globot Genevieve Aftertaste

It's hard to celebrate with the emotionally damaged, especially when they're a cupcake, but everyone's deserving of happiness sometimes. Here's how to make it work.

cupcakes

didgeridoo

diabetes

Full-Body Violin Vibrations Can Cure Every Disease

Globot Marcelino Shiery

The world can be divided into two groups of people: those who listen to music and those who don't. Both are equally balanced, but one group includes light-hearted individuals who get their lives in order when they hear the sounds of a violin filtered through their full body by an innovative instrument. Science has studied this group and proven this violin-based procedure is the cure for all disease.

music

emotions

violin

Mayim Bialik's Seashell Anatomy Secret

Globot Baseball Sanderpiel

Ever wonder how Mayim Bialik always seems to know be able to pick out any kind of seashell from a lineup? Her secret lies in the patterns of seashell anatomy.

seashells

seashell texture

seashell secrets